Hello everyone!!! :) I'm so sorry it's taken me SO long to blog, but O. M. G. a heck of a lot has been going on!!! I'm going to say right now, I'm going to be very open and honest and detailed in these next few blogs. I debated on being detailed with personal stuff or not, but since this blog will be something that I will print and keep for myself, I don't want to miss any details for when I look back and read this in 10 years. And for those of you that are my friends now, you already know that I'm basically an open book and what's on my mind is usually what comes out of my mouth!! :)
Ok, so lets start off with right before surgery. I was EXTREMELY proud of myself the few days prior to surgery. I had convinced myself that the 3-5 days prior were just normal days and that I had no reason to be nervous. (In all reality, I thought I was going to be a basket case, having anxiety out of control and puking every five minutes!!) I had already decided that I would most likely need an Ativan to help calm myself since I had NO CLUE what to expect with surgery, especially one of this magnitude!! I had surgery on Aug. 16th and decided that I would work until the day before, which was great because it sure did keep me busy! (To my co-workers-- I apologize now for not even knowing how to complete any task at work during this time!! Thanks for letting me just zone out that day!!!) My last day of work was very sweet, to say the least. All of our patients knew that I would be taking medical leave and since I see them so often, they were pretty curious as to what was going on. They were so sweet and so supportive when they found out about the c word. Tons and tons of hugs and words of encouragement were what they offered me. (Funny story- after surgery a few of my patients actually came up and saw me while I was still an in patient in the hospital. I was laughing because they were kidding me about our roles being reversed. They said, "Ummm, Dana, when we were in the hospital and all hooked up to these IVs and monitors and tubes and drains you MADE us get up and walk. Now it's your turn...GET UP!!!!! So cute are they!!!) Anyways, back to pre surgery. I'm not sure why I was this way, but I was actually so very calm. Now listen up... we all know that even if we pray for peace, we still end up with off and on anxiety. I'm here to tell you, I HAD NONE!!! Thank God!!!!! I never had to take Ativan!!! YAY! I got all my stuff packed and ready for the hospital, made the girls a goodie bag to keep them occupied and so they could have snacks and not hafta leave the OR waiting room. (I was trying to keep myself busy until bedtime...) Finally took my shower and got ready for bed. When I registered at the hospital, the pre admin RN gave me these sterile wipes that I had to use the night before I had surgery. After I took my shower, I opened the pack and used them. You basically have to give yourself another bath with these things, minus the washing off part, so you can help with infection a little better during surgery. La La La, I wipe myself down, head to toe, with these things. Five minutes later, FIRE FIRE FIRE!!!! Holy crapola, I've never in my life burned like I did after I used these things! I couldn't even breathe they itched and stung so bad! I should have known because I'm allergic to so much... I tried to just hang and let it do its job... 15 minutes later I'm back in the shower scrubbing that junk off of me! I just couldn't deal with it! I was just gonna hafta say an extra prayer for infection. UGH!!!!!!
After my crisis, I got in the bed and watched a little TV, then dozed off. Around 1 that am, I felt an extra person in my bed. It was sister. Bless her heart, I could hear her sniffling and could feel her trying to be quiet and cry. She just wanted to come get in bed with me... that child slept with me the rest of the night and no matter where I moved in the bed, she was touching me and wouldn't let it be any other way. So sweet!!! I woke the next morning before my alarm went off and I checked my fb. Yahoo at all the sweet messages that were on there from my awesome friends!!! I smiled...until... I had seen that a sweet friend of mine, who shall remain nameless (TAMRA NORRIS!!!) made this precious slide show with pics of me and all my hospital besties that had been taken throughout the years. She had added the song, I'm Gonna Love You Through It to the slide show. Seriously, my face was flooded with wetness!!!! I had the biggest smile on my face while looking at all the fun pictures. Every memory raced back through my head and it made me happy, yet I couldn't quit crying! (Apparently this is how my sister ended up in my bed at 1am... she saw the video too. And I have since spoken with several of my friends who also saw the video and their reaction to it was the same. Ha Ha) So, I get up and try to stop my tears, but I just can't. I saw my mom in the bathroom and just wailed out! She held me tight as I basically told her I just didn't wanna do this!!! I didn't wanna go have surgery that morning... I didn't wanna be sick... I didn't wanna hafta face the next year of my life being changed so drastically... I didn't wanna hafta carry around this weird feeling any longer... I didn't wanna hafta go through such a harsh recovery, afterall, I work in the medical field, I know what it takes to recover from something like this and it's so difficult. I knew I could handle all of this, I knew I had the strength to complete this task, I knew I had enough support to push me through every single bit of this, I knew I had the peace and grace and mercy of my God that was going to push me through this every single step of the way, yet I just wanted to walk away. I had a weak moment that overpowered my every move. I couldn't breathe because I knew that as soon as I rolled into that OR, it all really started. I knew in my head that when I woke up from surgery, all I was going to face was treatment after treatment after treatment. I knew that after surgery I was going to have to become extremely strong and fight like I've never fought in my life. I was scared, I was intimidated, I was broken!! We all got dressed and took a moment to sit on the couch and pray together as a family. At that moment, my mother looked at me with the most serious eyes I've probably ever seen her have and she said, "Dana, I need you to do your best during surgery. I need you to be strong and fight while you're in there." Well, that's all I needed to hear because at that moment, my whole entire attitude and feelings changed. I became so incredibly strong at that moment and felt such a peace. I hugged mom and whispered in her ear, "I promise mom, I promise with everything I have and I love you." I had the biggest smile as I walked out my front door. I knew it was all going to be ok. We got to the hospital and started walking towards the elevators to go to the OR and I ran into one of my besties whom I work with, Melissa. She gave me a huge smile and I noticed she had on her "In The Pink" shirt and all kinds of pink accessories. OMG seriously, I hugged her so big because at that moment it hit me... Wow, I have some of the most amazing and awesome people in my life and I'm not sure what I did to deserve this, but man I'm so thankful!!! I said, "Melissa, you're so sweet, you wore your pink today." Her reply... "Dana, we are all wearing pink for you today." Until you were in my shoes at that exact moment, you will have no clue how that touched my heart. I can't even begin to tell you how my heart raced and how I had tons of butterflies in my tummy because I was so excited to know that they were doing that for ME! How cool is this??? I mean, seriously, the feeling of such support is indescribable!!! Ok, moving on. We get to the OR waiting room and check in. One of the ladies I have worked with for several years is the waiting room RN that keeps all the families informed of how their loved ones are doing during surgery. I saw her and I explained to her that my mom was going to need some serious updates during my surgery, so she promised to work double time while I was in there, updating mom and sister more often than normal. That sweet lady did just that for those girls!!! They were SOOOOO thankful to her for her kindness that day. What an awesome blessing she is!! I go back to pre op and meet with the RN, who I've also known for several years. (This is pretty much rocking for me BTW because knowing everyone that's working on you makes you a BILLION times less nervous!!!) He gets me ready, puts me in this horribly awful, sweat your butt off, heated gown of which I had to ask for the air in the gown to be turned on... that thing was nuts! He started my IV, got all my bands on and called my anesthesiologist in to come talk to me. Super nice anesthesiologist!! He and I had a little chat about how I like to puke with anesthesia so he promised me he would drug me good, he also promised that he would make sure that I had plenty of pain meds on board post op so that I wouldn't feel a thing! Yay Dana!!! (I've heard horror stories about post op, so I did the whole beg thing prior to!!) I was all settled in and then the girls came back. We sat for maybe 5 seconds and I hear all kinds of laughter... Here came the troops!!! My friends from Nuclear medicine were all up there, dressed in their pink, to bring me my injection for the sentinal node biopsy that Dr. General Surgeon was going to do. It was party time!!!! OMG at the laughter in that room. Shortly after, my cardiac rehab co-workers joined in, making it an even bigger party!!! There were probably 15 people in my room and I was loving every dang minute of it. The pre op RN was taking pictures for us and being so kind!!! In walked Dr. General Surgeon... he said, "Oh my, man this is the party room. You guys are having so much fun in here and I think it's wonderful!!!" He had come up to give me my injection and before everyone could leave the room, he said, "Wait, I want everyone in this room to stop. All of you join hands and we are going to stop and take a moment and pray." LOVE HIM! He held my hand for a very long time, even after he finished praying, looked me in my little sad eyeballs and promised me that he was going to do his very best in there and that he would take very good care of me. Ahhhhh, a sigh of relief. I got lots of really good hugs and kisses from all my friends, then it was just me, mom sister and the surgeon. He needed to give me my injection so he could complete the biopsy on my sentinal nodes during surgery. He preceeded this injection with, "Now Dana, most women say this is the worst part of everything... They say it hurts and it burns really bad." Well dr, I used to like you, now I'm not so sure. Ha Ha He was having to inject my boob directly with radioactive material and I was first in line! It didn't hurt AT ALL!!! I smiled and he said, "Well, I'm glad this is your reaction!!" It just felt like a little sting, not bad at all. Then, Dr Plastic Surgeon came in with his purple marker. Draw, draw, mark, mark. He outlined my boobs and I said, um, is that so you know where to put them back on? He assured me that he was also going to do his best operating on me that day as well and that he would take very good care of me while we were in there. It was hugs and kisses time, the OR team had arrived to carry me back. BIG HUGE HUGS did I get from mom and sister with lots of I Love You's. Mom was trying really hard to keep it together, but I knew better. I knew as soon as she couldn't have eye contact with me any longer, she was gonna break. That was hard for me to watch... I gave her those "I promise" eyes and smiled. It was just me and the OR team. Tugging, pulling, capping, rushing... next thing I know, the CRNA leans over and says, "Dana, I'm going to give you this medicine that's gonna help you relax a little." Relax my butt... that crap knocked me out in 5 seconds flat, no joke!! My sweet friend, Dianna, who is a RT at the hospital had stayed with me during all of this because I didn't know any of the OR team and I wanted her there to help me not be nervous and stay with me and hold my hand until I fell asleep. What a sweet friend she is!!! She did just that for me!!!! :) She said that after I got my "sleepy meds" I was loopy and was just smiling and being sweet and that I was kinda reaching for her, but I couldn't focus and find her. (I had NO CLUE I did any of this!!) She was sweet and went and reported to my mom after I was out that all was well and I was doing fine, but that I was in dream land!!!
SURGERY, SURGERY, SURGERY... I was told that my surgery lasted around 4 hours and that it went extremely well. Dr. General Surgeon came out and reported to my family that my anatomy inside isn't symmetrical, meaning that the left side of my body doesn't exactly match the right side of my body. This might drive me crazy in my head now knowing this because I am SUCH a symmetrical person!!! Surgeon tried to place my port for chemo on the right side of my body, but couldn't due to the anatomy situation. He told them he placed it on the left and that it was just fine. He said all went well with the breast tissue removal and that he had removed lumpie!! OH YEAH BABY!!! LUMPIE IS G*O*N*E!!!!!!!!! A few hours later, Dr. Plastic Surgeon came out and said he was done and that I had done very well with the tissue expander placement. He said that my pec muscles were so great that he ended up filling each expander with 50cc's of fluid rather than the normal 20 that he would do. He said it was very rare that one's pecs were that good... YAY ME!!! Must be all that lifting and holding patients at work that I do??? Ha Ha Off to recovery I go... not remembering any of this, of course. I was told after that I was trying to take off all my gown and blankets while I was in recovery... Hmmmmm Ha Ha They told me that I was so hot post op they had to put the cooler on my gown instead of the heater, which is odd because normal post op, post anesthesia reaction is chills from being so cold. I had to stay in recovery a little longer because I was told that I just didn't wanna wake up!! Give me sleepy medicine and I'm gonna sleep... HELLO!!! :) They took me to my room... I was still sleeping. I did wake up and grunt and say a few words when someone was turning me from side to side in my bed. It HURT like no body's business!!! I just had both boobs removed, I had painful tissue expanders in and I had two drains coming out of each boob, HECK YEAH IT WAS GONNA HURT! Everyone tells me that after hours and hours of EVERYONE trying to wake me up, it just wasn't working! Mom was asking all of my nursing friends to try because she was worried about me. She said she just needed to see me open my eyes and talk a little. I was REALLY enjoying those meds and that quiet, peaceful, tender sleep!! During all of this commotion, the ONLY thing I remember was my friend, Gwen, giving me some water. How funny is that? Out of hours of shaking, commanding, poking, etc. the only thing I remember was her giving me some water for my mouth on a sponge!!! After everyone left, mom got serious!!! She got the mommy voice out. She sternly told me several times that I needed to wake up and sit up. She said I finally replied, with my eyes closed and a sad face, "Momma, I'm trying to!!!" A few more commands to get up and before I knew it, I was sitting up and eating gold fish and morphine!!! YUMMY!!!!! That only lasted about a half hour, I was soon back to sleep!! :) I woke the next day feeling very well, actually. I was very surprised that I was feeling and doing as well as I was. I know, morphine works wonders, but I really felt great honestly!!! The day went by, I had a crazy amount of visitors that made me SOOOOO excited and happy!!! I was eating and drinking and walking around in my room a little, which I knew was great!! Not bragging, BUT... ha ha Everyone that came and visited me said I looked like I didn't even have surgery. They said my color was great and I was up movin' and groovin'!! In all honesty, I really did feel extremely well!! (Minus the slight allergic reaction I was having to morphine... Nothing a little benadryl didn't take care of though!!) And let me say this, Thank you soooooo much to all of you that sent or brought me flowers. My whole entire room was FILLED with such beautiful flowers!!! I counted 12 arrangement when we brought them all home! It was so awesome to wake up and see all the pretty flowers and balloons and candy and cookies and sweet notes (That were left for me while I was having my post op anesthesia nap!!). I just felt SO very loved!!!!
Alright... now to serious business. The night after my surgery, my night RN came in and needed to change my bandage. This girl couldn't have been any kinder. It was just she and mom and I in the room. She came in and turned the big lights off, turned the bathroom light on and got all her bandage stuff ready. She asked me if I was ready to see my boobs, I said yes. Mom sat down next to me and kinda rubbed my arm to let me know it was gonna be ok. The sweet nurse got very close to me and very slowly and calmly and sweetly un velcroed my bandage bra that I had on. She asked me if I was ok, I said yes and smiled. I was ready to see the goods!! :) She took off the puffy layers and layers of bandage slowly and used a saline flush to help unstick the parts that were stuck on there!! My jaw dropped and I had the biggest smile on my face. My breasties looked FABULOUS! I had BOOBS!!!!!!! Dr. Plastic Surgeon did a OMG GREAT job!! These things looked pretty dang real! They were a little lumpy, they had incisions, a small part of them were black due to not enough blood flow and oxygen to the area of skin, but they really looked fantastic! I was proudly showing them to everyone that asked... :) They all thought they looked great as well. I think I was just expecting baby bump boobies with lots of cuts and just not very pretty. They were everything but that... I couldn't have been happier!!! The fact that they looked so real has absolutely helped me psychologically. I was actually able to keep all of my "boob skin", all they took out were the insides, so when I saw that my boobs were only about half the size that they originally were, I never gave it a second though that my insides were fake now. Given all of this, it helped me be happier in my recovery start!!
I stayed in the hospital one more day, I was given the all clear from Dr. Plastic Surgeon and home I went!!!! :) The start of my recovery was nothing less than off to a good start! I wasn't miserable, I wasn't in bad pain, I was doing GREAT....... until...... I got home and took my pain meds- Vicodin. Never have taken vicodin before, but apparently I'm quite allergic. Whelps, itches, hives, misery... Benadryl to the rescue!! So guess what??? Because I'm allergic to vicodin, this means I'm allergic to codeine based meds. My new pain med I was given was NOT a narcotic- just a higher powered non narcotic drug, Tramadol. I pretty much had to just deal with the pain, which to be honest, wasn't horrible. I was given a muscle relaxer as well, which really helped!! :) Here's the awesome part of this- since they cut all the "guts" out of my breasties, this means that they cut nerves as well. Since the nerves have been cut, this means that I have no feeling in my lady lumps. In return, this means that I have NO INCISION PAIN! How awesome is that?????? No burning, no itching, nothing! So cool!! The pain actually comes from the tissue expanders and the stretching of the chest muscle (the tissue expanders are placed under this muscle). The muscle basically comes from under my arm pit, and all over my whole chest. It's quite a large area and it is painful, especially since just moving your wrists, walking, getting up and down, turning your head left to right, EVERYTHING involves some type of movement using your chest muscle. No Bueno!!! It's ok though, I just dealt with the pain and all was ok!! There were no tears, so I thought I was on the up and up!!
Alright, I have many more stories to tell you, but these tissue expanders are getting quite uncomfortable while I'm sitting here typing! I'm going to call it a night and go get some sleep!!
I know I always end my blogs saying thank you for all the prayers and encouragement, but now more than ever do I mean, THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH for the concern, the cards that have been sent, the sweet messages you've left on my fb, the texts, the calls, the flowers, etc. You all are making this so much more easier for me!! Without any doubts AT ALL, I'm only doing this good because of all of your prayers and encouragement!! Much, much love and thanks to you all! Love you!!!
