Major Meltdown

   Well, as you know, I've been given the opportunity to freeze the eggies!! A few weeks ago, I met with the eggie dr to discuss operation egg removal.  All was a-go until I realized that my lady cycle wasn't going to start on time and I was basically going to be stuck, right in the middle of surgery time, needing my eggies to be removed.  This whole process is going to take a few weeks and I didn't want to be miserable, just having surgery and having all these drains and such, needing to go and have the egg removal procedure done.  I was so overwhelmed and just didn't have the energy it took to call the dr and explain, again, that this was going to cause a problem.  Mom kindly offered to call for me and get everything straightened out!  The egg man called me and stated that he had talked to the oncologist and that they were just going to push back the chemo start date to ensure that I had enough time, post surgery, to start my cycle and get the eggs out.  I was sortof in a panic because I wasn't sure how I was going to feel after surgery and would I be up for going every other day to the dr, having ultrasounds and having my labs drawn? I desperately want to freeze my eggs, but at what cost?  I was afraid that if I waited until after surgery to remove the eggs, would that put me at a higher risk of my body being exhausted, would I go into chemo less than 100%, would that make a difference starting chemo later rather than sooner? I was soooo confused.  The egg dr also stated that he would talk to my surgeon and see if we could push the surgery date back.  Well, in my mind, I'm thinking, "wait, no, I wanna get lumpie outta there asap!! I don't wanna wait!!  What if it spreads during the wait time?  What if...What if...What if...".  There were just soooo many options and negatives running through my mind!! I was absolutely in a complete panic over this whole situation and didn't know what to do.  I explained to all my physicians that if it got down to me or the eggs, I was going to choose me.  I really wanted to SAFELY do everything I could to get the eggs out, but I didn't want to risk my health in the mean time.  At that point, I realized that freezing the eggs may have to just be forgotten, simply due to my health.  I wanted to do what was right, I wanted to stay safe, but at the same time, I really, really, really, really wanted to get these eggs!!!  That night, after going over and over and over and over all of my options and different sineros, I couldn't help but cry my little heart out.  I pretty much cried myself to sleep that night and all I kept praying was, "God, please just make this simple.  You have given me this opportunity and I'm stressing terrbily over how this is going to work out.  I just need You to take control and make it happen."  The tears just wouldn't stop.  I tried so hard to just trust and believe that it was all going to just work out, but I never obtained a peace about it.  I absolutely started to feel sorry for myself, I would cry because I'm never going to be able to breast feed, I cried because I'm, more than likely, never going to be able to have a baby in my tummy (unless I decide at 40 that I'm ok being preggers), I cried because my life plan, the one that I had never ever waivered from, was just being destroyed right in front of my face.  I cried because I had never felt this aching pain before and because I was just basically losing control of my life.  I am SUCH a planner and a thinker and now that the c word is present in my life, it makes it incredibly hard to make long term plans.  I don't cope well with change and it's affecting me in ways I never knew were possible.  I know that plans are made to be broken and things change along life's pathway, but my ultimate goal of getting married and having babies (without medical conditions) has just been smashed into a million pieces.  I finally cried myself to sleep that night, only to wake up the next morning worse off than I was the night before.  Oh my gracious at the tears that came the next morning, along with a total out of body experience!!  I have never in my life cried and squirmed and screamed and ached like I did that morning.  It's one thing to mess with me, but when you mess with those unborn babies of mine, watch out!!! To me, not being able to get these eggs out were like fighting words!  My mom crawled right up in that bed with me and held me and let me cry and scream and shake and gasp for breaths and whimper for at least 30 minutes.  She sweetly kept whispering to me that I was going to be an incredible mother, simply for the fact that I was crying out of hurt for some crazy eggs that hadn't even been removed from my body yet.  She said, "Dana, I think you know, at this moment, what every mother feels for their children.  I think you've got that feeling of love and pain that all mothers feel about their children when they're trying to protect and love them."  It wasn't until that very moment that I realized what my own mother must be feeling.  If I was crying over my own eggs that hadn't even been brought into this world yet, I can't even imagine how she must be feeling, watching her little girl hurt so very badly.  Well, THAT made me cry even harder!!! Man, what a whirlwind this whole c word has brought on.  It's made emotions fly extremely high, but at the same time, it's brought us so much closer as a family. 
   I FINALLY stopped the out of control crying, got up and started getting dressed for work.  I knew the day was basically going to be crappy, so I started thinking, "ok how can I fix this?  How can I move forward with all of these emotions?  How can I turn this into something positive?"  So, as soon as I got to work, I called my surgeon.  Good ole' surgeon is a great man and he will know just how to help me fix this problem, even if it means the worst, he will know how to help me.  I called his office and the poor, poor girl that answered the phone... I sounded like a blubbering idiot, I'm sure!! She said, "Dana, I can't really even understand you, but whatever it is, it's going to be ok.  The surgeon is in the OR right now, but I'll have him call you as soon as he is done."  My tears subsided for a quick moment and I asked her if she deals with basket cases, such as myself, on a daily basis, to which her reply was no.  I said, "Oh ok, so I'm the only basket case?" haha She said, "No Dana, what I meant was, no, you're not a basket case and don't feel bad because it's ok to cry and it's ok to be upste and nervous."  She is such a sweet, sweet girl!  Very confident in helping crazy loones, such as myself, calm down and feel at ease.  Maybe they gave her special training to work at his office and deal with nutty women like me?? haha About an hour later, the phone rang and I knew it was the surgeon.  I answered, but all that would come out were tears...AGAIN!  Enough with the crying already, Dana!!! haha  The first words out of my mouth were, "Can you please not be my doctor for a moment, can you please not be my friend for a moment and can you please just be my dad for five minutes and help me make a decision?"  He said, "Dana, I will help you do whatever it is that you need and yes, I'll be your dad for five minutes!"  Love that man to pieces!!! I told him my situation with operation egg removal and he said, "Ok, let me fix all of this for you!!" Well, yahoo, ten minutes later and the problem was fixed!!! I felt such a burden lifted off of me.  I felt happy again and I felt like I could move forward, in every respect.  I took a deep breath and before I got off that phone, I said, "ok dr, I'm really sorry for bugging you today because I know that today is your surgery day, but thank you for taking the time out to sit with me and help me make a decision."  You know what his reply was??? "Dana, I don't care what time of the day or night it is, I will always make time for you.  That's what I'm here for, to help you."  Such a sweet, sweet soul.  I promised not to cry any more because he had pretty much just made my day!!!
   Bottom line here, operation egg removal is back on track!!! As a matter of fact, the lady cycle has officially started, I start taking my oral meds tomorrow night and start taking my shots on Monday night!! I will go in for my first ultrasound on Monday!! Sooooo excited!!!!! 
  So...
Dear little eggies,
  This is your mommy talking.  I know that you don't have a clue what's going on here, but I just want you to know that I will do everything in my power to keep you healthy and safe until it's time for you to be used.  I will pray for you daily and I will love you more than I have ever loved anything before.  I want you to know that, eventhough you're not "watered" yet, you're still so incredibly important to me.  God has specifially already chosen each one of you to hang out in that frozen dish until He decides which one of you He is going to give to me.  I absolutely CAN NOT wait to meet you and give you all of my love!!! Until then, know that you already own a huge part of my heart and that you already give me so much joy!! P.S., I promise to pick someone really great to "water" you!!! :)

So, now that I've had my meltdown moment, I feel sooooo much better.  Maybe I just needed a good, hard cry anyways??  Maybe I just needed to have a break down so I could let it all out?  Maybe I just needed to have a 32 year old, OMG moment!!! lol  Either way, it felt good to just be extremely emotional for a bit and just cry.  It also felt INCREDIBLE to have such serious support during those two days.  It also felt good to feel the love from my mom and sister... These two, I'm telling you, are the BEST TWO EVER!!!! They are sticking it out like no other!  Sissy gave me the biggest hug before I went to work that morning and just let me cry.  After it was all said and done, she asked if she could give me a "good game" smack on my rear end, to which I openly accepted.  It made us both laugh, which is what we needed!! 
   By the way, it's SOOOOO weird knowing that I'm brewing some eggs in my lady parts so that, someday, I can hopefully have that chubby cheeked baby!!! I told my mom and sister, just wait, the day that my child starts to get on my nerves or drive me nuts (as all children do to their parents), my outraged remark will be, "Listen up kid, if you don't go clean your room like I've asked you to 27 times now, I will put you back in that freezer where you came from!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  haha 

The 411 on my dr visits

   I have to say that I have a new found compassion for my patients at work.  I can never understand why it's so hard for them to make and go to dr's appointments.  It's not difficult, right? Just pick up the phone, tell the dr's office what's wrong and make an appointment. Welllll, I will never again say the words, "what's so hard about making an appointment and keeping it?". I think that when there is a medical issue going on, it makes the brain work less than par, thus producing a ton of forgetfulness! The nerves alone are enough to make one forget from one second to the next.  Thankfully, I'm a very organized person, so keeping all of my appointments has sorta been easy.  And yahoo to whomever invented daily organizers and planners!  Never in my life have I depended on these things more than now!
   I have met with the oncologist, the general surgeon, the infertility doctor, the dentist and the plastic surgeon this past week and it's been nothing short of a circus! Monday, I met with the oncologist who filled me in on more information that I had no clue about!  He just sat and chatted with us for quite a while, which was nice!  He basically told me that I would be getting two different types of chemo.  The first would pretty much start three weeks or so after my initial surgery.  This chemo is the one that will make me lose my hair.  He said he didn't want to go into details with me about that because he needed to wait until after my initial surgery to see exactly what type of chemo I would be getting.  From my understanding, this chemo will basically happen every three weeks and I think it will last approx 4 hours each visit.  Not too sure about that yet.  The second type of chemo I will get will also start three weeks or so after my surgery.  This chemo I will take every three weeks for 45 minutes for one full year.  This is the chemo that strictly fights the HER 2 I was talking about in my earlier post.  The good thing about this chemo is that I will not have any side effects from it, no puking, no hair loss, no loss of apetite, etc. :)  After I am completely finished with the chemo, after my full year, I will then take a hormone therapy for an additional five years! OMG FIVE YEARS!!! lol Looks like my oncologist and I are going to be bff's until I'm 40! I will get a port put in my chest area while I'm in my first surgery so that I can get chemo for the next year.  I had never seen one of those before, but the surgeon showed mom and I what it looks like.  If I had to describe it, I would say it looks like the red easy button off of the office max commercials, except it's no bigger around than a nickel.  It's made of a metal type substance on the bottom and the top is like a rubber mush that's soft.  It has a thin tube running off of it that will connect through a vein and somewhere down towards my heart.  The rubber on the top is just where they will stick me to recieve the chemo.  The purpose of the port is so I don't have to keep getting stuck in the arm or the hand to get my chemo.  Apparently it's not painful, which is AWESOME!!! :) So, I face to face asked the oncologist if I would lose my hair... like FOR SURE lose my hair. lol I think I just needed to hear those words come out of HIS mouth.  Sure enough, he said, "Dana, you're going to lose your hair."  I was fine with it, but I just needed to hear him say it.  I had been putting off cutting my hair until I heard it from him.  Speaking of the hair cutting thing, later on Monday night, mom and I got in the car and she asked if I was ready to cut my hair.  I said, well, I guess now is as good a time as any! So, we went to get my hair did! I actually didn't have a hard time cutting it off at all!! (I was extremely surprised by this, btw!!) I got it colored and cut and I actually really like it!! It's sooooo easy and simple to fix!  Poor mom, she tried really hard to do well with the whole hair cut thing, but every time I looked over at her, those eyes were really big and she tried to force a smile!  Sister was there taking lots and lots of pictures... don't tell her, but I caught big tears in her eyes at one point... She kept assuring me that it was a super cute cut and that I looked ok.  I looked in the mirror after the girl was finished and I'm certain I made a horrible face because OMG my hair was HUGE!!! I had to tame it down after I walked out because I felt like I was one of those white haired church ladies that looks like they have a helmet on!!! Definitely not attractive for 32! After I tamed the beast, I liked it much, much better!!
   Monday afternoon I met with the infertility doctor, aka egg doctor, to see about freezing some eggies!!!  I was quite nervous going in to see that doctor!  I wasn't quite sure what to expect or if this was even a possibility for me, but I was just praying the whole afternoon that it would just work!! I know I had posted earlier about not being able to freeze eggs, but the situation with the surgery has changed and now I'm going to get that opportunity!!! YAY ME!!!!! :)  So, I tell him my situation and he responds with, "Let's do this!! I can definitely get you some eggs!!" Well alright then!!! The details of this retrieval are crazy, but I gotta do what I gotta do to get some babies!! I have to basically wait until my lady cycle starts, then I start taking shots on a daily basis. (and yes, I mix the drugs myself and I give myself the shots!! Watch out!!) It's pretty much going to be a shot a night in my tummy, so that won't be so bad!! I will go into the office every other day to get lab work drawn and have ultrasounds done as well.  They want to monitor the eggies to make sure they are growing at a good rate.  They will tell me when the eggies are at their stopping point and the night before operation egg removal, I give myself a different shot, go in the next day and they give me IV sedation and remove the eggs!  Egg man says that he hopes to get at least 12 eggs, if not more!! YIPEE!  Then, they freeze the eggs three to a pack. lol This is silly, but I told mom that I wished I could see my eggs and tell them to have a safe freeze, be good little eggies and that I loved them!! :) I'm BEYOND thrilled that I'm getting the opportunity to do this!! I think God just really needed me to trust Him the first go round of this and my reward for trusting Him was getting the opportunity to actually be able to go through with this!!!  I couldn't be happier!!!! :)
   Tuesday was PET scan day... I was pretty nervous that day because I knew that this was the more detailed scan to show if the c word was anywhere else in my body!  I was injected and had to wait about 45 minutes before the test actually began.  It was nice to just sit alone, catch up on paperwork and just pray by myself.  I felt really good after having that alone time, just such a peace!! The test itself lasted about 28 minutes or so.  I had to hold my hands above my head while laying down. FIRE FIRE FIRE!!!! Try holding your arms close to your ears for 16 minutes! I'm a patient person, but after my head and chest came out of that scan, I politely (and by polite I mean in a begging voice) asked the tech if I could move my arms because both of them were asleep and they were pretty much on FIRE! She laughed and said yes, but don't move anything else.  Once those arms were moved, we were in business!!! After I left that scan, I had to go to the dentist.  Apparently it's routine procedure before you start chemo, just to make sure that there are no cavities.  Clean as a whistle!!! Dentist said I needed to come back and have a tooth fixed though because apparently I've been grinding my teeth at night (imagine that?!?!?!) and I had chipped a tooth. I'm guessing stress will do that to ya? lol
   Wednesday I went back to the egg doctor so they could show me how to mix my medicine and give myself my shots.  Maybe my nurse friends will want to come over and administer these for me??? haha  There are like ten different steps you have to take in order to mix this medicine properly.  I took good notes though, so all should be well!!  And if you're wondering, yes, you do take hormone shots, but the egg doctor has talked with the oncologist and all is ok and will not harm lumpie in the process. 
   Thursday I met with the plastic surgeon, who seems to be extremely nice.  (I'm thinking I'd really better like him a lot!!!)  We went over the procedure of the first surgery, which is basically gonna be very painful.  The general surgeon will go in first and take out the boobies, then the plastics guy will go in and place something called tissue expanders in underneath the muscle. I've heard it hurts really bad, but the dr said his goal was to keep me drugged up for three weeks!! :)  He said I will come home with two brady drains in each boobie, but that they should only last 10-14 days.  I've read that I can't take a bath during those days and that's gonna be ewwwhhhhhh gross!! I'm going to buy the bath towel things ASAP!!!!! Can't be running around smelling like surgery!! lol He said that the tissue expanders will basically grow my boobies for me.  He said that when I get them to the size I like, then he will proceed from there.  This will be a long process from what I understand.  He will not do the reconstruction until I am finished with the chemo! Said it was more dangerous to have surgery while in mid chemo, which is fine with me.  I'd much rather be safe than sorry!!!  He said my boobies will start off small and then each week or so he would add fluid to them to make them grow. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!!! haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I told mom I wasn't sure how I was going to feel having small boobies. Her reply, well get used to it sister because now you'll know how the rest of us with small ones feel! And I hope you get a good feel and have a great compassion for those of us who don't have boobies!!! lol FINE MOM!!!!! :)  Thursday afternoon, I got a call from the surgeon.  He said, "Dana, I know you have an appointment this afternoon, but I just wanted to call you and give you the results of your PET scan".  My heart sank and I got really nervous really quick! Like I took a seat in the chair I was standing next to and I closed my eyes really tight! Well, ok, tell me what they are.  He said, "you're negative for the PET scan too!!!". So, Lucille (surgeon likes to call me Lucille, which I think is absolutely adorable!!) will NOT be playing the part of the lit up Christmas tree in this years family holiday play! YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!! As soon as I hung up that phone, I texted my sister and called my momma!!! I hadn't been that excited or giggled that much since all this started!!! I was sooooooooooo HAPPY!!!!!! I asked my mom if she was proud of me for being such a good girl.  She laughed and said she was VERY proud of me!! It was really sweet, I could hear the relief in her voice over the phone.  I think they were really worried about this test!! I was too, but not like my mom was.  So, I can breathe a little easier now!!  I honestly feel like I've been handed the best of the best in this situation.  Everything is negative and lumpie has stayed contained and not spread anywhere.  (Surgeon will still have to do a sentinel node biopsy in the OR, but he said he feels like that may be negative as well.) I just couldn't be more blessed.  Does the c word suck?  YOU BET!!! Am I going to struggle? YOU BET!! Am I going to have good days and bad? YOU BET!!! With all that said, I just feel like it could be so much worse though.  Had all my scans come back positive, I don't know what I would have done.  I know I would have just dealt with it in the same manner I am now, but I feel like it would have been so much more emotional. Having the c word is harsh enough, but somehow, knowing it hasn't spread is so relieving!  I know, without ANY doubts at all, it's the prayer that's gotten me this far.  So, let me stop and say thank you... thank you for taking the time out of your day to think about me and say prayers for me.  Thank you for being diligent and saying prayers for me on a daily basis.  Thank you for taking the time to stop and read this blog so you know exactly what to pray for.  Thank you for taking time out of your day to comment on my facebook when I have fantastic news.  Thank you for caring enough to share my story with people I don't even know so that they can pray for me too.  Thank you for continuing to follow this story. So many people say, "oh yes, I'll pray for you and I'll help in any way I possibly can", but then end up letting it go after some time has passed.  You have ALL continued to let me know that you're not stopping the prayers and you're not stopping the encouragement and the cards and the messages and THAT is what's getting me through this!!! Each time I get good news, I take the time to stop and thank God for everyone that's praying for me.  If it weren't for all of you, I would struggle SO much more than I am. Like I said earlier, I have such a peace about this and it's only because of all of the prayers, love and support that I'm getting!!!
  Ok, Thursday afternoon, I met with the general surgeon to get some surgery dates together and get my official orders for admitting.  I will have to be there a few hours prior to that to get injected with the radioactive material for the sentinel node biopsy.  I signed all of my "what if's" for during the surgery.  I found out that the surgery will pretty much be a 5 hour surgery, apparently I'm going to be doing some SERIOUS bonding with these two doctors!!
   Supre fun this week... My co workers birthdays were this week.  For everyone's birthday's we always get a cake and ice cream and cards and a present and such.  One of my co workers and I were planning this party together... we went shopping for presents, decided on a cake, etc.  Well, on Thursday, I found out that not only were we celebrating their birthday's, but it was an early birthday for me too! :)  It made me soooo happy and it was soooo fun!! I got some new super fly button up jammies, that don't look like they're from the 1800s and this really cool pillow set for when I come home from the hospital!  It's one of those pillows like we had in the 80s, the kind with the fluffy back and the arms that come around the sides.  This will be perfect for after surgery!!  I also got a matching pillow for under my legs.  And my goodness, these pillows are SO super soft!!  I also got a bed tray so that I can eat and such and not really have to move too much!  I am so very thankful to work with such considerate and thoughtful peeps!  I'm really not sure what I would do without these girls!  They love me at my happiest and at my worst and for that, I couldn't be more greatful!  They have seen me jump up and down and do the spazzy girl dance when I get good news and they have seen me squal and ball when I'm at my worst and can't push any more.  They will never know how much they mean to me!! :)
   This week, coming up, should be kinda low key for us!  I plan on hanging out with my friends as much as possible and just taking it easy!  It's so nice to just be able to laugh and have a good time during all of this, so friends, thank you for making me GO!!!  :) 
   I hope you all have a wonderful week!! :)

New jammies!!!

Man, what a week!!! I feel like I haven't been able to get on here and blog and it's driving me crazy! This week has been soooo busy! I've had at least two dr appointments every single day this week and it's been so incredibly hard to keep up!  I write everything down in my planner, but it's still so difficult.  And OMG at the paper work!  I don't know that I've signed, dated and timed this much in my LIFE... and I work in the medical field where I sign, date and time EVERYTHING I look at! I show up to a dr visit and the nice ladies at the front say, "Ms. Clark, do you have the paper work we emailed you filled out?", to which my reply is, "ummmm no, I didn't know you were gonna email me stuff to fill out." So, I rush, rush, rush and fill out as much of it as I can before I see the doctors. 
   I've tried to make all of my appointments either early in the morning or later in the afternoon so that I can still work around my schedule at work and so that my mom doesn't have to take so much random time off (she has been going with me to every single visit and thank God she is because there is NO way I could keep up with all this information!!).  I think the best part of all of these dr visits is that they are all located on the same premesis as my hospital, which is really nice!  I don't hafta get in the car and travel all over to meet each visit. :)
  Ok, so last weekend, mom and sister and I decided to take a little weekend off and just go relax.  I'm pretty sure we ALL needed that!! So, we went to this really fun hotel up by Austin.  This place was so cool, it had a lazy river, bicycles, golf, restaurants, open fire pits, a place where they served you smores that you could create your own, an outside movie (They played Dispicable Me, which is one of our favorite movies!!) and tons of other really cool stuff.  So, we went... we just basically laid in that lazy river the whole day.  I think this was the first time I could really just relax, or at least try to.  I had been doing REALLY well on staying positive and being on top of things, but for some reason, all I could think about while floating that river was, "OMG this is our last little family vacation before the storm hits, in just a few short weeks I'm going to be feeling like crap, I wonder how many other women on this lazy river have the c word and don't know it, what's it going to be like when I have chemo, what's the surgery gonna feel like, how am I going to be able to take a shower, how am I gonna be able to afford all of this, how are my sister and my mom gonna react to my being sick, how are people going to look at me, etc."  These questions and thoughts were flooding my mind and low and behold, the tears started to flow, my heart was beating fast and there was a lump in my throat! Thank goodness for sun glasses.  I tried to just lay there, without anyone noticing, especially sister and mom, and just let my little tears flow, but no such luck.  Next thing I know, I'm getting a sandwich hug from them both, which is kinda hard to do when you're all in tubes!! It made me smile, but the ache still didn't go away.  I decided to stop the tears and just enjoy the sun shine and the water for the rest of the time in the river.  I knew I was going to need to just finish my crying and get it all out at some point, but for then I just wanted to enjoy the river.  When we got out, we all kinda walked around for a bit, then we went for a bike ride. Seriously, I haven't ridden a bike in I don't know how long.  We each got on a bike (secretly I was praying that mom didn't crash hers and we end up in the ER haha) and rode! Sister and I raced a little and we just all kinda piddled around.  I felt like I was 10 again on that darn bike! It was soooo much fun! After exerting some energy, trying to get up those hills, I felt soooo much better!!! Mom and I had quite a serious talk after sister got in the shower and I told her that I was sad because I didn't want she or Danielle to see me sick.  For me, I think that's going to be the hardest part.  I've always been the daughter or the sister that's "fixed it".  Never have I been the one that needed to be "fixed".  It makes my heart ache because I see the look in their eyes and I can see their hearts breaking for me.  It's different right now because I still have hair and I don't have drains or incisions to look at.  I feel like once those things happen, it will be different and I don't want them to have to look at me sick.  I have tried and tried to overcome this, but it's just not working! I know they are in it for the long haul, but it still makes me tear up every time I think about it.  I also seem to feel like I have the easiest job out of everyone... all I'm really going to feel is physical pain, but for those who are close to me and who love me, I feel like their emotional pain BY FAR outweighs my physical pain.  I couldn't imagine having to look at my mom or my sister and watch them go through this!! So, if anyone deserves some kudos, it's those two!!!
   My attitude has been pretty darn good so far, I think? lol  The other day, mom and I went to the mall to look for some extra pajamas for when I'm in the hospital and when I come home.  So, we are looking at all these super cute jammies, right? Mom says, "Dana, I think you need to try to find some that button up the front because you're really not going to be able to move your arms that much after surgery."  Well, ok, but have ya seen the pajamas that button up the front?  HELLO!!! I'm totally not a fashion diva, HOWEVER, I don't wanna look like ma and pa from Little House on the Prairie either! These jammies that button up the front are ridiculous and I pitched myself a tiny little fit in the middle of Macy's because there just weren't any cute ones.  (I'm normally not a fit pitcher, but I just wasn't having any of this pajama mess!!) Since I'll be in the hospital and I'll see EVERYONE I WORK WITH, I'd at least like to look somewhat cute!! And if I'm at home and have visitors, I'd like to look presentable as well!  I feel that if I come to the door, wearing my plaid longsleeved gown and matching bonnet, it may give my friends a different preception of me!! haha The problem was solved though and mom and I found some presentable jammes that I could wear.  They didn't look like 1826, so I was pleased!! I had to apoligize to mom while we were walking off, to which she just giggled and said,"Dana, if this is all you get upset at, we're gonna be just fine!"  Thank God for moms and sisters who understand!!! And ok, I just gotta say this too... you know, your mom ALWAYS tells you to NEVER EVER EVER leave home with nothing less than presentable underoos, so we made a special trip to go get new underoos!!  Just such a moment of comic relief for me! Now I will have new jammies and new underoos for my hospital stay. haha Gotta love moms that think outside of the box to remind their children of such things!!!

  I'm going to try to blog again at some point today or tomorrow to fill everyone in on all the dr visits and medically what's going on. 
  I still can not say thank you enough for all the prayers (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!), the encouraging texts, the posts on my facebook, the cards, the encouraging gifts, etc.  You all have NO clue how awesome it is to feel SO much love!!! I was struggling quite a bit at first because I was getting a lot of attention, but I have learned to embrace the LOVE!!! I'm not an attention type of person, so it was really hard for me to accept everything.  Now that I'm settled in my diagnosis, I can tell you that I LOVE THE LOVE!!!!!  God has blessed me more than I could ever imagine through all of this.  I can't even imagine having to go through this alone.  The prayer ALONE is what's gotten me this far, so I encourage you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue to pray!! It's still such an incredible feeling to know that so many of you are praying for me.  When I have a sad moment, I just stop and think, "there are tons of people praying for me" and I just get SUCH a peace!!! Much love to you all!!!! :)

The dreadful first dr's visit

My surgeon has made me promise him to stay off the internet and google so that my already overwhelmed brain doesn't get filled with obnoxious, worrysome, incorrect information! I've done just that!! I've been given some books on the "c word" from the Oncology RN, but haven't dove into them yet.  I can only handle so much at once, then my brain just quits and shuts off. 
   Yesterday, I met with my surgeon for my first "real visit".  OMG I was a nervous wreck.  I think having my first for-real appointment just kinda makde things "real".  I was sitting in a meeting at work, watching the time and trying really hard to catch my breath.  I'm pretty sure I didn't hear anything that was being said during that meeting... Maybe someone will catch me up to speed later? lol  Mom met me at the surgeon's office and in we went.  He has this room that's especially set up for breast cancer patients.  It's pretty, but boy I didn't like having to be in the "special room".  I told mom that I just wanted to be a normal patient and have the normal room instead of the "fluffy room". haha    

   I've not talked much about the type of "c word" I have, so let me explain.  It's called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  Basically what's going on is there is a cancer that's growing in my milk duct. The surgeon describes it as "the place where the milk comes to feed the baby", which makes me giggle every time he says it. Anyways, there are two types of ductal cancer, one where the cancer basically stays contained inside the walls of the milk duct and the other where the cancer has spread outside the walls of the milk duct.  Well, mine is the kind that has spread outside of the milk duct walls.  When I describe it to people, I tell them that it looks like a squished skittle, jagged on the edges and anything but round in shape.  There are little receptors that are on the outside of "lumpie".  These receptors are basically like the feeding tubes for the cancer.  The receptors are progestorone, estrogen and something called HER 2.  The way the cancer grows is either by the progestorone, estrogen or the HER 2.  Apparently I have too much of all three of these things and this is what's made my little lumpie grow.  I tested positive for all three of these,which makes me triple positive.  From what I've been told, having a triple negative, meaning if I were negative for all three, that would be a bad, bad situation.  I think the most perfect situation would be that I were positive for the estrogen and the progestorone and negative for the HER 2, unfortunately that's not the case here.  I'm just going to be thankful in this situation that I wasn't triple negative and move on.  :)  Ok, so the HER 2... From what I can gather, HER 2 is kinda like an instigator for cancer.  I think it's like the "bad girl" of the group and tries to stir up the other cells and make them become bad.  Nothing like having a "party girl" in your body trying to convince all the other "good girl" cells to come to the dark side and be bad too! Shame, Shame, Shame!!! I will have to take my first round of chemo, but then I will have to take another type of chemo for a full year.  This certain type of chemo will basically be for 45 minutes every three weeks.  This chemo is specifically targeted to the HER 2 cells to kill them off!! YAY no more party girls!!! Again, I haven't looked any of this up, so I'm just going by what I was told in the office yesterday.  Things could easily change!!! I still have to meet with my oncologist, whom I've been told likes to call himself the onCOOLigist (lol), to see where we sit with the chemo stuff. I meet with him on Monday, so I should know more by then. 
   Alright, so the surgeon makes me get up on this fluffy examination table that comes equipped with for real sheets and pretty pillows. He asks me to raise my right arm, to which I absolutely DO NOT want to do.  I wore deodorant that day, like I do every other day, but after all the sweating I had done prior to this visit, I was certain he would pass out after I lifed that arm.  All I kept thinking in the back of my head was, "omg please don't smell bad little arm pit because I don't want the surgeon to pass out!!!". (He managed to stay verticle through the whole examination! I'm guessing he is really good at the whole "mouth breathing" thing that all of us in the medical field are trained to do when sketchy smells are around?!?! lol)  He examined all over then he asked to see lumpie.  I showed him where it was and he said, "Well Dana, I'm very proud of you for finding this."  Well, ok?? lol  He said that if he had to put a time on it, he would guess that lumpie had been there for at least two years, possibly three.  My heart sank! This dang piece of crap has been harboring in my body for that long?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well listen up, lumpie, you have worn out your welcome and it's time for you to move on.  You don't hafta go home, but you sure as heck gotta get up outta my boobie! This is random, but I secretly want to see pictures of lumpie after doc takes her out! Maybe he will take "professional doctor" pictures while I'm in the OR because I'm soooo very curious to know exactly what it looks like in real life.  I can feel it and I know what it feels like, but I want to SEE it. Speaking of feeling it... ok this is kinda funny, but everyone that knows me knows that I'm such an open person.  The girls at work haven't been shy about asking to feel lumpie, to which I oblige.  Here's how I figure it, if I can let them feel exactly what it feels like, then maybe I can help them to know kinda what they are looking for when they feel their own little lumpies.  My lumpie is about the size of an acorn, it's very hard and has some sharp edges.  And btw, my boobies haven't ever had this much action!!! lol lol lol
  So, doc and mom and I all talked for about an hour in the fluffy room.  There were so many different questions to ask and so much information to process.  It was just overwhelming.  At one point, I remember giving mom "the look", you know, the one where your eyes say, "I can't understand a word he is saying and he sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher, I really hope you're getting this!!"  Well, she got it all!! :)  I still don't have a surgery date, but I do know that I will be doing a double mastectomy. WHEW! Here's the deal, I'm a worrier and a thinker and I don't want to have to wake up every single day of my life, wondering if the "c word" is back.  I also don't want to have to cry every time I go get a mammogram, wondering if I'm going to get bad results back. I had to really outweigh my good and bad here.  My first thought, after I found out my diagnosis, was "cut them off!!!!".  I've not waivered from that, but I still can't help but think, as a woman, I'm losing a HUGE part of what makes me a girl.  Yes, I will get new ones, probably way better than the ones that I already have, but it still takes a little piece away from you knowing that your boobies are being taken away from you.  I don't know if other women deal with this issue, but I would assume it would be pretty common.  May need some therapy for that?? lol
   I was pretty sad yesterday, but today is a new day and it's been MUCH better!!! I feel like writing this blog is helping me to just spill it all and get it out of my system.  I'm not going to say that I'm sporting the "happy Dana" today, but I'm MUCH better than yesterday!  I think that it's probably extremely normal to have highs and lows during this whole process, so I'm gonna give myself that much.  I think that it's ok to be a little depressed about the situation as long as you put your big girl panties on and deal with it head on!  Each day, after depressing news, gets easier and easier. (At least that's how it is for now... lol)  I just keep praying for strength and happiness every day!! So far, so good!!!
   Ok, I think I'm going to call it a night! Please, please, please continue the prayers because THEY ARE WORKING!!! :)  Big hugs to you all!!!

...and incase you were wondering, NO, I did not get a lollipop after my visit.  I'm gonna hafta talk to him about that...

Oh Where Is My Hair Brush

The Veggie Tales song, "Oh Where Is My Hair Brush" keeps playing over and over and over again in my head.  Along with the treatment plan of my "c word" will come chemotherapy.  When I found out I was going to have to have chemo, I all of a sudden became extremely ill to my stomach.  All I can remember is seeing those Life Time movies where the person that has the "c word" is violently ill, projectile vomiting and basically can't move.  Well yipee, or not! I think the thing that I'm most worried about through all of this is the chemo.  I don't want to be violently ill, I don't want to puke my guts up, I don't want to be so tired that I can't even move!!  Along with all of these side effects comes THE HAIR LOSS! Ayyyyyyy!!!!!!! So, I spoke with the Oncologist RN and she says that they now give anti nausea drugs three days before chemo starts, they give another dose of the drug with the chemo treatment and they give the anti nausea drug three days post treatment.  They also give you a script for Zofran PRN (as needed).  She said the nausea part of this is actually no big deal!  Well yahoo for me!!! (Let's keep our fingers crossed that this medicine actually works!!) I will take my chemo treatment one day and get a shot the next day that basically demands my bone marrow to try to reproduce more red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets.  RN says that typically it's the shot the day after that kicks your butt! She said I would basically feel exhausted and feel really achy, like I have the flu TIMES A BILLION! I can certainly deal with all of that business if I'm not hanging over the trash can!  Sounds like a fair trade to me?!?! So, lets hope that I can keep the stomach under control during all of this!!!
   Alright, the hair loss... WHEW!  Little "wigged" out over this, pun intended... haha I've decided that I'm going to first, take back every single time I've ever said that I hate my hair and second, I'm going to go cut my hair and get some super short and sassy hair cut before I even start my treatments. If I'm going to lose my hair, which I am, I would rather have to look and see less hair falling out rather than my long hair falling out!  Logical thinking, right??? :)  I've been told that I will not lose my hair until 3-4 weeks after my first chemo treatment.  I've also been told that I will start to feel when my hair is going to fall out.  Apparently there is a tingling, burning, itching sensation that comes along with the release of the hair??  So here's what I'm gonna do... I sortof like being in control of situations, I tend to be organized and have a plan in place prior to any event starting, so once I start to feel "the burn", I'm going to shave my head.  I feel that if I shave it on my own, it will be ME shaving it and not the CHEMO making it fall out.  ***This is where the Veggie Tales, Oh Where Is My Hair Brush song comes in to play*** If you've never heard that song before, you should listen to it because it's pretty darn hysterical and honestly, it fits this situation perfectly!  Why do I need a hair brush if I don't have any hair???? haha I'm really not looking forward to losing my hair, but hey, maybe...just maybe I'll get some killer straight, thick, gorgeous hair in return?!?!  It's kinda like a super secret surprise and I do love surprises!!! As panicked as I'm going to be over not having any hair, my mom and sister have assured me that they will kiss my little bald head every chance they get!!!  I should really be thankful for the hair loss actually because I do have to go once a month and get this mess colored, hilighted and cut due to the massive amount of gray that I have!  I'm just getting a huge money savings now, be jealous all you women who have to spend $200.00 a month getting your "hair did"!!! lol 
   In the midst of all of this trauma of losing my hair, my friend Kristel, who I've known since we were about 5 and my friend, Kimberly, who just so happens to be the girl that does my hair decided that they were going to throw me a hat and rag party. Ok, so I'd never heard of such a thing before and to be honest, I was quite frightened about having one of those for myself.  Kristel assured me that it would just be a fun party and I would be able to get lots of hats and scarfs and rags and such so that it wouldn't be so hard for me to go out and purchase a "Dana's hair loss hat" by myself.  I was hesitant when Kristel approached me about it, but I decided that I would accept her offer and just go with it!  The morning of the party, I woke up and was just so sad.  Who wants to go to a party for themselves because they are going to lose their hair?  Get real, this wasn't going to be fun!! How was I going to walk in this place and put a smile on my face and be all happy Dana because I was going to lose my hair?  I was a nervous wreck, I wanted to cry, I didn't want to go, I just wanted it all to go away so I didn't have to deal with any of it!!! I got up, took my shower, fixed my hair and put on a pretty dress.  I needed to feel pretty that day because I knew if I didn't, my day was pretty much going to be shot! haha Mom and I walked in and saw all the balloons, the absolutely adorable cake, the flowers, the table decorations, etc.  I saw Kristel and Kimberly and gave them the biggest hugs and the tears started to flow.  I just honestly thought that day was going to be so incredibly dreadful and that I was just gonna cry through the whole thing. Not even five minutes after we showed up, all of my friends started walking through the door.  That darn party was probably one of the best parties I've ever been to!!! I laughed so hard and smiled just about the whole time!!! It was soooooo much fun!!!!! I didn't think I was going to be able to deal with everyone looking at me, thinking, "this chick is gonna lose her hair, so I brought her a hat to cover it up". Little did I know that trying on those hats and hanging with tons of my friends and family was going to be SO MUCH FUN!!!! Don't get me wrong, it was still slightly awkward, but the fun definitely outweighed the sad that day!!! I got some seriously awesome hats, rags and scarfs!!! I tried each hat, rag or scarf I got on, which was fun!!  They were all so soft and comfy!!  I'm certain my head will really enjoy them all when it doesn't have any hair up there!! :)  Beyond the hats or the pajamas or the fun presents that I recieved, I most enjoyed all the love and support that I got that day! I left there smiling and just overall so incredibly happy!!! Seeing all of my friends there, giving me support and loving on me was AMAZING!!!!! So, thank you Kristel and Kimberly for making that day happen! As much as I was uncertain about that day, I'm SOOOO glad it happened!!! The fact that I got to hang out with my friends AND not have to go search for hats and scarfs pretty much ROCKED!!!!!!! :)




So, here are some of the pictures that were taken from the party... They are SOOOO cute!!!

                                        LOVE YOU KRISTEL, KIMBERLY and TYNLEE!!

So, I just want you all to know, I will PROUDLY wear all of your gifts and I want to say THANK YOU so much for the love and the support!!! There is no way I could have gone and bought these things on my own!  LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

My first mommy decision

Ok, so here's the deal... For those of you who know me, you know that my ultimate life goal is to just have babies. The babies that everyone says, "OMG look at that adorable chubby cheeked kid, I just wanna eat em up!!!"  So after I found out that I was diagnosed with the "c word", I immediately got a call from my surgeon.  He said, "I have a couch and a box of tissues with your name on it, so turn your car around and come talk to me." I sat in his office for a good hour and he basically laid it all out to me, since I'm a black and white kinda girl.  He mentioned that I may have a higher risk of having ovairan cancer at some point in my life, which returned to me as, "Dana you may not have kids".  I know, I know, it's further down the line, but all I heard him say was, "ovarian c word" and that I would need chemo before surgery.  I'm fairly certain I didn't hear anything after that because I was so worried that I was not going to be able to have babies!! I called my mom on the way home and cried my little rear end off.  I was just sooooo extremely upset!! When I got home, mom said, "ok, I've fixed the problem.  We can just freeze some eggies!!" Yay, problem solved!!  NOT SO MUCH! I thought maybe I had some time to think about it or plan for it, but apparently I did not.  The following Monday, I met with the Oncologist RN and she gave me this huge bag of books and planners and organizers that had the "c word" spread all over them.  (Yes, I was more than a little wigged out at this point!!) So, I came home and dumped the sack out all over the floor.  I was beyond overwhelmed because I thought I had a good grip on being oraganized and sorta had all my little ducks in a row.  I opened the first book and it read, "Chemotherapy can cause infertility". Weeellllll, I closed that little book right up, shoved it right back in that bag, along with every other thing that poured out of that sack and went on about my night. (Yes, it was an aggressive shove to get all those books back in that bag!!!)  There was NO WAY I could sit there and read about all of this stuff and not let it get the best of me.  So, for the rest of the night I just did my usual praying and didn't even think about the whole baby situation.  And let me say this, dealing with this "c word" has brought so many fast, harsh decisions into my life that it's ridiculous.  I feel like I'm in a huge dodge ball game, just trying to duck from all those big red balls!! Ok, so I went to bed and never gave the baby thing another thought.  Tuesday morning, when I was putting my tennis shoes on for work, God just gave me the most amazing peace I've ever felt in my whole entire life.  I'm certain He said, "Ok Dana, if you're going to trust me, you're going to have to trust me fully and just know that at some point in your life, I will give you some sweet, sweet babies that will fill your heart with so much joy, you'll forget that this little "c word" ever happened!"  Ok, I'm down with that!!! :)  I didn't share that story with my mom that morning because I was running late to work, as usual!! Later on that afternoon, while I was at work, mom called and said, "Ok, I have been talking to the infertility doctor and he said he is in the Medical Center today, but that he would stop his clinic and meet you in the Woodlands because TODAY is the day that you have to start your shots to be able to complete the procedure of freezing your eggies." My face got red, my heart beat fast and I was all flushed because just that morning I had SUCH a peace about the baby thing.  Mom said, "Ok, I'm gonna hang up this phone, take 20 minutes and think about it and call me back."  It was a now or never situation basically.  I thought, ok God, seriously, you JUST gave me such a peace not even 6 hours ago and now you're giving me this decision.  I'm thinking He was just trying to test my faith at this point. So, I take a little time and I think about it.  Just the day prior to this, I had taken the genetic test to see if I was a carrier of the "c word" gene and the results would not be back for two whole weeks.  If I am a carrier, it means that I could easily pass this gene on to my babies, right?  After I hung up the phone all I could think about were my little eggies sitting in a dish and me waiting to find out if I could pass the gene on to them.  I know that the eggies aren't fertilized yet, but the thought that I may have sick babies sitting in that dish was just entirely too overwhelming for me.  I couldn't bear the fact that if I got the results back and found out that I was a carrier that I would just throw those sweet eggs away just because they "might be sick too." So, I trusted God.  I made the hardest decision that I've ever had to make in my entire life.  I chose not to have my eggies frozen. Here's the AWESOME part of this decision... it wasn't a decision I had to ponder on for very long, it wasn't a decision I had to pray about, it wasn't a decision I had to weigh out the odds on... it was a decision that came SO INCREDIBLY clear to me before I even began my morning!  I called my mom back in 5 minutes and very happily said, "I will not be freezing the eggies and you can tell that kind doctor that was going to stop his clinic for me that God is gonna give me some babies some day!!"  I hung up that phone and for a split second I was overjoyed at such an incredible decision that I had just made for my babies! It felt SO good to have my first mommy moment!  I don't know that all of you will get my decision, but it doesn't really matter.  All that matters here is that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will get those cute little chubby cheeked babies that EVERYONE wants to squeeze someday!!
   Ok, lets fast foward a few days.....  All of the previous story took place at the point when chemo was going to be first and the surgery was going to be second.  It was a time sensitive situation and I only had TWENTY MINUTES to make a life long decision.  If I started the chemo first, I was at a much higher chance of being infertile due to the treatment.  Soooooo... HAPPY DAY... I have recently learned that having the surgery first is a HUGE possibility!!  WHICH ONLY MEANS ONE THING........  I will have the results back from the genetic test and I will absolutely have the option to freeze some eggs!  (I am currently doing the happy dance as I type this!!!) If I find out that I am not a genetic carrier then you'd better believe that I will be doing some eggie freezing because I'm sooooo certain that I need a sweet baby girl that's gonna love me just like I love my momma!!! *and yes, I said girl* lol
   I feel like God has placed an incredibly tough situation in front of me and that because I chose to fully trust Him that now He may be giving me a second chance to really fulfill my ultimate goal!!! I can not even describe to you the peace that I have about this.  I was laughing because mom and I were in the car together when we realized that I really may be able to freeze some eggs and it not be a stressful situation.  Both of us burst out with laughter and the biggest tears because we were SO very excited that this opportunity might just happen!!!
   God has just been so amazing to me and my family!! I know this situation is rough, but honestly I couldn't ask for anything better.  My CT scan and my bone scan came out negative and I just heard from my surgeon today that my results from my breast MRI that was taken on Saturday came out negative as well.  So, the fact that it's not spread in my boobies, other than the spot we already know about, is absolutely incredible!!!  I feel like God has just blessed me with the best of the best of the best!!!! I just have such a calm and a peace about this whole process.  I'm not nervous, I'm not anxious, I'm not any of those things (for now!!). I'm a little wigged out because there is something abnormal gorwing, but I just feel so ok with everything!!

KEEP THOSE PRAYERS COMING!!!  They certainly are working!!!!! and if you see me, you need to give me a hug because those make me feel better!! :)
Much love to you all!!!!!! :)

Delirium!!!

Ok, so I've started my anti depressant. Hmmmmmm... Dr said, "Dana, this may cause drowsiness, so you should take this at night and after you've taken it, let me know how it works for you." So, I took my first one Wednesday night and at 4am, after the medication making me ANYTHING BUT DROWSY, I thought maybe doc would like to know how it makes me feel. Too bad I didn't have his cell number, because I sooooo would have texted him!!! lol  I skipped my Thursday dose and decided that I would try taking it in the mornings instead.  This morning was my first morning to take it, so we'll see how this works!!
  Delirium has officially set in. Not liking this one bit! I'm absolutely exhausted.  Exhausted to the point that I can't remember from one minute to the next.  I get out of the shower and think, "ok what do I do next, as I'm looking at my pajamas sitting on the counter".  My girls at work are being SOOOO understanding about this mess too!  I have to ask them on a constant basis, "ummmm, what was I fixing to do?", and their response is always, "well, I don't know, but here, let me help you think about it for a minute". Ha Ha  My brain has never, in it's 32 years, been on this much of an overload!  It's amazing to me how so much information can cloud one's brain to keep it from functioning properly.  I told the girls today, ummmmm I haven't even started chemo yet and look what I'm already doing!!  Bless everyones little hearts for putting up with me through this!!! They will definitely deserve a prize after this!! :)
  Alright, Thursday was my big day for my scans to see if my little "c word" had spread.  I woke up Thursday morning, after my two hours of sleep from my all night party with the anti depressant, in such a good mood!  I was happy and smiling and just over all in a super sweet mood.  I went to work and felt great, no anxiety, no heart ache, no heavy feelings.  I worked my normal work day, seeing patients and doing my thing.  Don't get me wrong, I KNEW the day was kinda a "big deal", but I chose to just keep my mind occupied on my patients.  I got to work and went and picked up my oh so yummy mixed berry barium contrast, which came in not one, but TWO containers.  I thought immediately, "yeah right, this is gonna end up being projectile chunked from my mouth right to the trash can, but whatever".  I was to be injected with isotopes at noon from my friends in Nuclear Medicine (that's where I was going to have my bone scan done).  And can I just say this, yay yay yay yay yay for knowing these FABULOUS nuc med girls!!! My friend, Jessica, started my IV and injected me. Kinda cool having your friends do all this stuff... makes it soooo much easier!! (I don't think she was very happy that I accidentally ripped the head off of their squeeze ball NASA man that they give their patients to squeeze when they start an IV, yet it was quite funny.)  A little while after I was injected, the CT girl called and said, "ummm do you work here, to which I replied, oh yes I do!!"  She said, "ok then get down here and bring back that crappy mixed berry junk and let me mix your contrast with apple juice." YAY ME!!! So a half gallon of apple juice and conrtast later, I drank that bad boy in 12 minutes, LIKE A CHAMP!!! Let me note, CONTRAST IS NOT FOR SISSIES EITHER!  I'll leave that explination alone...  It's time for me to get on the table for my bone scan.  Jess lays me down and gives me a blanket and a pillow and cuts the lights out and plays some nice, relaxing music.  Then, she leans over and ever so sweetly says, "chicka, it's gonna be just fine!!" Ahhhh the comfort of a friend during such a scary time!! I lay in the machine for about 20 minutes, just praying and asking God to just take it all away if it's spread anywhere else in my body.  Mom showed up just about the time that I got done with the test, then it's a quick hug from my friends A BIG HUG FROM MY MOMMA and off to CT, where they did a scan of my lungs, liver and lady parts to get a more detailed look to see if it's spread.  I get on that table and they have to push contrast through an IV in my arm. SUCH A WEIRD FEELING!  Ok, so when the contrast goes through your arm, it makes your whole entire body hot and flushed, gives you a weird taste in your mouth and pretty much makes you feel like you're wetting yourself. Haven't had that feeling since, well, never!!! "Hold your breath, breathe, hold your breath, breathe, hold your breath, breathe" were pretty much my instructions throughout the whole scan. Super quick and super easy, minus the wetting myself feeling. lol Now, it's wait, wait, wait, until I can get the results!  STRESS, STRESS, STRESS is more like it! 
  I got up this am, went to work and called my surgeon.  Left a message for him to return my call with my scan results.  IMMEDIATELY, I get a call back and I can hear the smile in his voice.  He said, "Dana, it's gonna be a good day!"  Well, ok then.  I KNEW by the tone in his voice that everything turned out ok, so I stood up and put the biggest smile I could on my face and waited to hear those words.  Surgeon says................. YOUR SCANS ARE NEGATIVE!!!! I said, I'm walking over to your office just to give you a hug for absolutely making my day (pretty sure by all the fb responses, it made everyone else's day too!!).  I hang up the phone and instantly do the happy girl, spazzy dance... You know, the one where your hair flies everywhere and you look like a total spaz?  Yup, that was me!  Pretty sure my patient's thought I was nuts, but I didn't care, I was just WAY TOO HAPPY!
I can not tell you how relieved I was... I also can not tell you how relieved that momma and sister of mine was!!! Mom said, tell all of your friends that I love them and I love you too!! haha She is SOOOOO stinkin adorable! I sure do love these two girls of mine! NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER would I be able to function in this house without these two!!! And my friends, man they have been AWESOME!  My work friends, my old friends, my new friends, my family, everyone has been absolutely incredible through all of this!  I just can not explain to you the peace and joy and love that I have been feeling.  Without ANY doubts, these feelings and hugs and encouragement from everyone are what's getting me through every single minute of every single day!  I smile when I hear my phone go off because I get so excited to see what encouraging words you all are sending me!  This has got to be the best feeling in the world!!! Does this situation stink? ABSOLUTELY, but... every single time I read a post or get a text or see a message, even before I read it, it makes me smile!  Silly, but I really do get excited. I'm absolutely LOVING ALL THE LOVE!!!! and the prayers... let's not forget about the prayers!  Beyond anything, I know that God heard all of your prayers because my scans were negative!!! Please keep them coming!!!!! The Lord has already blessed me in so many ways that I don't deserve through this.  The bond that I have with my friends has just intensified over this last week.  The love that my mom and sister and I share has only gotten stronger and I'm loving every minute of it!  Maybe this is going to be one of the blessings we ALL recieve from this situation?? Maybe God intended for each of us to grow stronger and closer? Who knows, but for now, I'm going to consider it my blessing. 
  Ok, these little eyeballs of mine are getting pretty heavy over here!! I've already tried to nap once today, but my fast little heart beat just wouldn't let it. It's back at it again tomorrow... 1230 I will be getting my boobie MRI.  Put that on your prayer list!! :)
  I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and thank you again for all of the prayers, love and support!!! :)  Big Hugs!!!!!

My very first c word post!!

Hello! Hello!  Ok, so this whole blogging thing is very new to me, so hang with me as I learn how to maneuver around this mess!!
  I decided to start this blog so I could kinda keep up and not feel so overwhelmed at returning calls, texts, etc. I'm also pretty sure that this will be a good way for me to have some theraputic venting sessions!!
  Let me start off at the beginning, because everyone is asking, "how did this happen?".  So, I found "the lump"(I have been refering to it as "lumpie" because lump just sounds so technical!!)  No woman EVER wants to find "the lump", right? I'm thinking, "I'm only 32, surely this is just a fluke and randomly, some piece of my sternum has fallen off and is floating around in my boobie!! Well, boy was I wrong!!  So, I find lumpie and decide to go see my gyno, of whom I absolutely LOVE and ADORE!  I make an appointment to see him, only to find out that he has ALREADY RETIRED and that I'm going to have to see some new guy. Great, off to a fantastic start. (P.S. the "new guy" is fantastic!! Super nice and couldn't be any more concerned.  I think he may be new, so I'm guessing I'm going to be the one that breaks him in good...He'd better hang on to his britches!!)  So, I go see the new gyno and he says, "Well, you're young and you have no immediate history of Breast Cancer, so I'm not too worried, but I do want you to have an ultrasound, just to make sure.  The whole time, I'm thinking blah blah blah, this is no big deal, I'm just gonna hafta have some stuff removed possibly and I'll be on my merry way. After I left his office, I walked over to the breast imaging center to turn in my order.  Three days later, they finally schedule me.  They tell me that protocal is to do a mammogram first and then the ultrasound.  Great again, here comes the boobie squisher!!! I go and have my mammo, and while I'm in there, I'm thinking to myself, boy, everyone was right, this is NOT for sissies!!! Squish, squish, squish... I finish the mammo, feeling very sorry for the boobies cause they were pretty much just assualted, and sit in the waiting room for my ultrasound.  They call me back, I go in and an hour later the tech is done.  She says, "the radiologist will be in here in a bit and will give you your results".  I wait and wait... He comes in and says, "well, I'm going to re-do your ultrasound".  Ok, fine, but could you hurry cause I've got to get back to work.  He completes the ultrasound and says, "well, I don't like what I see.  It's not a cyst and it's not a fibroid.  I don't know what it is at this moment, but I am extremely concerned because it's very abnormal and btw, your lymph node is pretty inflamed as well.  I would like to biopsy both places and see what I find." Well, yay. :( So, I call my momma and tell her what's going on, only to hear her say on the other end of the phone, "I'll be right there."  I'm thinking in the back of my head, Ummm no need cause they are just gonna biopsy this and it's gonna be ok and I'm gonna go back to work and have a good rest of my day. Mom and sister show up an hour later and they let them both come back with me while the dr completes the biopsy.  Easy breezy procedure, btw. No pain whatsoever!!! The tech and the dr, both, are steadily saying stuff like, "you know what this is, right... you know why you're in here, right... you know that you will have a team of dr's with you on this journey, right... you know we will get your patho results back and find out what stage it's in, right..." All of these words and phrases are steadily being told to me, but I never once heard any of them.  Pretty sure psychological denial was working at it's finest at that moment because the "c word" never even entered my mind.  My sweet, sweet mother had to be the one to tell me, "Dana, you have breast cancer".  Well, hang on just a minute because my legs won't work, my tongue won't say the words that are in my brain and my heart just sunk! Never did my mother want to have to tell her child those words and for that, my heart aches.  However, those words coming from her were the sweetest words a child could ask to hear.  I know it was hard for her to say those words, but I wouldn't have wanted them to come from anyone else.  I couldn't breathe, I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want anyone to look at me, I was numb, I was in SHOCK, I was extremely confused, I was overwhelmed, I was in denial, I was shaking, I wanted to puke, I wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh... My emotions were ALL over the place.  I walked into the changing room to put my regular clothes back on and I looked at myself in the mirror. THAT, my friends, was hard!! All I kept thinking was, I don't want to be sick, I don't look sick, I don't feel sick, I just do not want to be sick.  I whispered to myself, while looking in that mirror and said, "Dana, you're sick and you're just going to have to suck it up and deal with it!" Talk about overwhelming!!! So, I put my big girl face on and walked out and faced my mom and sister... that was ALSO overwhelming!!! Nothing like looking at your two biggest fans and seeing the heart ache they were both already feeling.
   So, we all go home and talk about the "c word" *and yes, I'm calling it the c word for right now cause I just really don't like the word cancer... I'm sure I'll come to grips with it soon enough, but for right now, the c word it is!!* At this point, I don't know what to feel, how to feel, how I should feel, what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, etc.  I'm just in a mental state of ZONE! At some point, my little type A personality kicked in and I did start thinking medically... ok, so I have to pick a surgeon and an oncologist, a radiation oncologist and possibly a plastics guy. Geez oh Pete!!! I'm praying, I don't even know how to pray about this, I'm thinking, I'm worried, I'm frantic, I'm overwhelmed, but getting my docs picked is top priority. So, I pick my doctors.  First and foremost, thank God I work in the medical field and I know exactly who to pick!!  BIG BIG BLESSING right there!  Easy picks for me!! My surgeon, I have known since I was 23... He is a fine Christan man, who took the time already to sit and pray with me... He also let me drench his scrub top with my tears! Such a good man is he!!! My oncologist I have also known since I was 23... he is fantastic!  Outstanding physician and also a great friend!  I have NO doubts that this journey will be easier with these two by my side!! 
   Alright, I've had plenty of screaming, crying, pitching a fit moments, followed by some serious laughter!!! Here's how I figure it, if I can keep laughing through this whole journey, I'm gonna be just fine.  (Obviously along with the prayers and support and trusting God...) In my family, we ALWAYS try to figure out some positive out of crummy situations... Ummmm... I'm still trying to figure that out, but I'm sure I'll figure something out soon enough!!!
   Here's how things are going to work... I go tomorrow for my bone scan and my CT to see if it's spread anywhere else in my body. (btw, I got the patho results back and "lumpie" is positive for cancer, but the lymph node is not YAHOO FOR THAT!!!!) Then, I go for another scan on Saturday.  I meet with my surgeon on Thursday to kinda get a game plan together, then meet with my oncologist to see what he wants to do.  My surgeon says that I will need chemo (I'm so over that already it's not even funny!), then surgery, then radiation.  Not 100% sure on this action plan yet, but this is what I've been told so far.  As I find out more, I'll post it!! 
   I'm just trying to take it one day at a time... It's only been 7 days!! I've been faced with so much already, but I've also been given some good anti anxiety meds... lol  And yes, I will be starting my anti depressants today!!! Nothing wrong with a little chemical help!!
   On a very serious note, I need you all to know how greatful I am that each of you are a part of my life.  I'm certain that God has placed each one of you in my life path along the way for a reason... and this is your reason... You were all given to me by God so that you could help me every single day to get through this fight.  There is NO DOUBT in my mind that when God introduced each one of us, it was for THIS PURPOSE ALONE!  You and I didn't know it at the time, but I certainly know it now.  He has hand picked each and every one of you to be my support, my prayer warrior, my friend, my shoulder, my comfort, my peace, my steady, my laughter and my love. I want you ALL to know, before this journey even starts, how thankful I am for everything that you're going to do for me.  I can never re pay any of you for just the support alone, but I can tell you this... I promise to make it my priority to pay this forward as much as I possibly can.  I will constantly be on my knees praying for each of you as long as I live.  You will NEVER EVER EVER be forgotten and you all will ALWAYS AND FOREVER hold the highest place in my heart!  God says, ask and you shall recieve... Well, my blessings are coming in an abundance right now.  God has filled my heart with so much joy and love that I'm just not even sure what to do with it all! 
  Ok, I've exhausted my emotional bank for the day... I'll be blogging as much as possible!!! Please don't stop the prayers!!! It's amazing to know that SO many people have been praying for me!! It's one of the coolest feelings in the world!!!  Much love to all of you and thank you again...
BIG HUGS!!!!