New jammies!!!

Man, what a week!!! I feel like I haven't been able to get on here and blog and it's driving me crazy! This week has been soooo busy! I've had at least two dr appointments every single day this week and it's been so incredibly hard to keep up!  I write everything down in my planner, but it's still so difficult.  And OMG at the paper work!  I don't know that I've signed, dated and timed this much in my LIFE... and I work in the medical field where I sign, date and time EVERYTHING I look at! I show up to a dr visit and the nice ladies at the front say, "Ms. Clark, do you have the paper work we emailed you filled out?", to which my reply is, "ummmm no, I didn't know you were gonna email me stuff to fill out." So, I rush, rush, rush and fill out as much of it as I can before I see the doctors. 
   I've tried to make all of my appointments either early in the morning or later in the afternoon so that I can still work around my schedule at work and so that my mom doesn't have to take so much random time off (she has been going with me to every single visit and thank God she is because there is NO way I could keep up with all this information!!).  I think the best part of all of these dr visits is that they are all located on the same premesis as my hospital, which is really nice!  I don't hafta get in the car and travel all over to meet each visit. :)
  Ok, so last weekend, mom and sister and I decided to take a little weekend off and just go relax.  I'm pretty sure we ALL needed that!! So, we went to this really fun hotel up by Austin.  This place was so cool, it had a lazy river, bicycles, golf, restaurants, open fire pits, a place where they served you smores that you could create your own, an outside movie (They played Dispicable Me, which is one of our favorite movies!!) and tons of other really cool stuff.  So, we went... we just basically laid in that lazy river the whole day.  I think this was the first time I could really just relax, or at least try to.  I had been doing REALLY well on staying positive and being on top of things, but for some reason, all I could think about while floating that river was, "OMG this is our last little family vacation before the storm hits, in just a few short weeks I'm going to be feeling like crap, I wonder how many other women on this lazy river have the c word and don't know it, what's it going to be like when I have chemo, what's the surgery gonna feel like, how am I going to be able to take a shower, how am I gonna be able to afford all of this, how are my sister and my mom gonna react to my being sick, how are people going to look at me, etc."  These questions and thoughts were flooding my mind and low and behold, the tears started to flow, my heart was beating fast and there was a lump in my throat! Thank goodness for sun glasses.  I tried to just lay there, without anyone noticing, especially sister and mom, and just let my little tears flow, but no such luck.  Next thing I know, I'm getting a sandwich hug from them both, which is kinda hard to do when you're all in tubes!! It made me smile, but the ache still didn't go away.  I decided to stop the tears and just enjoy the sun shine and the water for the rest of the time in the river.  I knew I was going to need to just finish my crying and get it all out at some point, but for then I just wanted to enjoy the river.  When we got out, we all kinda walked around for a bit, then we went for a bike ride. Seriously, I haven't ridden a bike in I don't know how long.  We each got on a bike (secretly I was praying that mom didn't crash hers and we end up in the ER haha) and rode! Sister and I raced a little and we just all kinda piddled around.  I felt like I was 10 again on that darn bike! It was soooo much fun! After exerting some energy, trying to get up those hills, I felt soooo much better!!! Mom and I had quite a serious talk after sister got in the shower and I told her that I was sad because I didn't want she or Danielle to see me sick.  For me, I think that's going to be the hardest part.  I've always been the daughter or the sister that's "fixed it".  Never have I been the one that needed to be "fixed".  It makes my heart ache because I see the look in their eyes and I can see their hearts breaking for me.  It's different right now because I still have hair and I don't have drains or incisions to look at.  I feel like once those things happen, it will be different and I don't want them to have to look at me sick.  I have tried and tried to overcome this, but it's just not working! I know they are in it for the long haul, but it still makes me tear up every time I think about it.  I also seem to feel like I have the easiest job out of everyone... all I'm really going to feel is physical pain, but for those who are close to me and who love me, I feel like their emotional pain BY FAR outweighs my physical pain.  I couldn't imagine having to look at my mom or my sister and watch them go through this!! So, if anyone deserves some kudos, it's those two!!!
   My attitude has been pretty darn good so far, I think? lol  The other day, mom and I went to the mall to look for some extra pajamas for when I'm in the hospital and when I come home.  So, we are looking at all these super cute jammies, right? Mom says, "Dana, I think you need to try to find some that button up the front because you're really not going to be able to move your arms that much after surgery."  Well, ok, but have ya seen the pajamas that button up the front?  HELLO!!! I'm totally not a fashion diva, HOWEVER, I don't wanna look like ma and pa from Little House on the Prairie either! These jammies that button up the front are ridiculous and I pitched myself a tiny little fit in the middle of Macy's because there just weren't any cute ones.  (I'm normally not a fit pitcher, but I just wasn't having any of this pajama mess!!) Since I'll be in the hospital and I'll see EVERYONE I WORK WITH, I'd at least like to look somewhat cute!! And if I'm at home and have visitors, I'd like to look presentable as well!  I feel that if I come to the door, wearing my plaid longsleeved gown and matching bonnet, it may give my friends a different preception of me!! haha The problem was solved though and mom and I found some presentable jammes that I could wear.  They didn't look like 1826, so I was pleased!! I had to apoligize to mom while we were walking off, to which she just giggled and said,"Dana, if this is all you get upset at, we're gonna be just fine!"  Thank God for moms and sisters who understand!!! And ok, I just gotta say this too... you know, your mom ALWAYS tells you to NEVER EVER EVER leave home with nothing less than presentable underoos, so we made a special trip to go get new underoos!!  Just such a moment of comic relief for me! Now I will have new jammies and new underoos for my hospital stay. haha Gotta love moms that think outside of the box to remind their children of such things!!!

  I'm going to try to blog again at some point today or tomorrow to fill everyone in on all the dr visits and medically what's going on. 
  I still can not say thank you enough for all the prayers (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!), the encouraging texts, the posts on my facebook, the cards, the encouraging gifts, etc.  You all have NO clue how awesome it is to feel SO much love!!! I was struggling quite a bit at first because I was getting a lot of attention, but I have learned to embrace the LOVE!!! I'm not an attention type of person, so it was really hard for me to accept everything.  Now that I'm settled in my diagnosis, I can tell you that I LOVE THE LOVE!!!!!  God has blessed me more than I could ever imagine through all of this.  I can't even imagine having to go through this alone.  The prayer ALONE is what's gotten me this far, so I encourage you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue to pray!! It's still such an incredible feeling to know that so many of you are praying for me.  When I have a sad moment, I just stop and think, "there are tons of people praying for me" and I just get SUCH a peace!!! Much love to you all!!!! :)