My very first c word post!!

Hello! Hello!  Ok, so this whole blogging thing is very new to me, so hang with me as I learn how to maneuver around this mess!!
  I decided to start this blog so I could kinda keep up and not feel so overwhelmed at returning calls, texts, etc. I'm also pretty sure that this will be a good way for me to have some theraputic venting sessions!!
  Let me start off at the beginning, because everyone is asking, "how did this happen?".  So, I found "the lump"(I have been refering to it as "lumpie" because lump just sounds so technical!!)  No woman EVER wants to find "the lump", right? I'm thinking, "I'm only 32, surely this is just a fluke and randomly, some piece of my sternum has fallen off and is floating around in my boobie!! Well, boy was I wrong!!  So, I find lumpie and decide to go see my gyno, of whom I absolutely LOVE and ADORE!  I make an appointment to see him, only to find out that he has ALREADY RETIRED and that I'm going to have to see some new guy. Great, off to a fantastic start. (P.S. the "new guy" is fantastic!! Super nice and couldn't be any more concerned.  I think he may be new, so I'm guessing I'm going to be the one that breaks him in good...He'd better hang on to his britches!!)  So, I go see the new gyno and he says, "Well, you're young and you have no immediate history of Breast Cancer, so I'm not too worried, but I do want you to have an ultrasound, just to make sure.  The whole time, I'm thinking blah blah blah, this is no big deal, I'm just gonna hafta have some stuff removed possibly and I'll be on my merry way. After I left his office, I walked over to the breast imaging center to turn in my order.  Three days later, they finally schedule me.  They tell me that protocal is to do a mammogram first and then the ultrasound.  Great again, here comes the boobie squisher!!! I go and have my mammo, and while I'm in there, I'm thinking to myself, boy, everyone was right, this is NOT for sissies!!! Squish, squish, squish... I finish the mammo, feeling very sorry for the boobies cause they were pretty much just assualted, and sit in the waiting room for my ultrasound.  They call me back, I go in and an hour later the tech is done.  She says, "the radiologist will be in here in a bit and will give you your results".  I wait and wait... He comes in and says, "well, I'm going to re-do your ultrasound".  Ok, fine, but could you hurry cause I've got to get back to work.  He completes the ultrasound and says, "well, I don't like what I see.  It's not a cyst and it's not a fibroid.  I don't know what it is at this moment, but I am extremely concerned because it's very abnormal and btw, your lymph node is pretty inflamed as well.  I would like to biopsy both places and see what I find." Well, yay. :( So, I call my momma and tell her what's going on, only to hear her say on the other end of the phone, "I'll be right there."  I'm thinking in the back of my head, Ummm no need cause they are just gonna biopsy this and it's gonna be ok and I'm gonna go back to work and have a good rest of my day. Mom and sister show up an hour later and they let them both come back with me while the dr completes the biopsy.  Easy breezy procedure, btw. No pain whatsoever!!! The tech and the dr, both, are steadily saying stuff like, "you know what this is, right... you know why you're in here, right... you know that you will have a team of dr's with you on this journey, right... you know we will get your patho results back and find out what stage it's in, right..." All of these words and phrases are steadily being told to me, but I never once heard any of them.  Pretty sure psychological denial was working at it's finest at that moment because the "c word" never even entered my mind.  My sweet, sweet mother had to be the one to tell me, "Dana, you have breast cancer".  Well, hang on just a minute because my legs won't work, my tongue won't say the words that are in my brain and my heart just sunk! Never did my mother want to have to tell her child those words and for that, my heart aches.  However, those words coming from her were the sweetest words a child could ask to hear.  I know it was hard for her to say those words, but I wouldn't have wanted them to come from anyone else.  I couldn't breathe, I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want anyone to look at me, I was numb, I was in SHOCK, I was extremely confused, I was overwhelmed, I was in denial, I was shaking, I wanted to puke, I wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh... My emotions were ALL over the place.  I walked into the changing room to put my regular clothes back on and I looked at myself in the mirror. THAT, my friends, was hard!! All I kept thinking was, I don't want to be sick, I don't look sick, I don't feel sick, I just do not want to be sick.  I whispered to myself, while looking in that mirror and said, "Dana, you're sick and you're just going to have to suck it up and deal with it!" Talk about overwhelming!!! So, I put my big girl face on and walked out and faced my mom and sister... that was ALSO overwhelming!!! Nothing like looking at your two biggest fans and seeing the heart ache they were both already feeling.
   So, we all go home and talk about the "c word" *and yes, I'm calling it the c word for right now cause I just really don't like the word cancer... I'm sure I'll come to grips with it soon enough, but for right now, the c word it is!!* At this point, I don't know what to feel, how to feel, how I should feel, what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, etc.  I'm just in a mental state of ZONE! At some point, my little type A personality kicked in and I did start thinking medically... ok, so I have to pick a surgeon and an oncologist, a radiation oncologist and possibly a plastics guy. Geez oh Pete!!! I'm praying, I don't even know how to pray about this, I'm thinking, I'm worried, I'm frantic, I'm overwhelmed, but getting my docs picked is top priority. So, I pick my doctors.  First and foremost, thank God I work in the medical field and I know exactly who to pick!!  BIG BIG BLESSING right there!  Easy picks for me!! My surgeon, I have known since I was 23... He is a fine Christan man, who took the time already to sit and pray with me... He also let me drench his scrub top with my tears! Such a good man is he!!! My oncologist I have also known since I was 23... he is fantastic!  Outstanding physician and also a great friend!  I have NO doubts that this journey will be easier with these two by my side!! 
   Alright, I've had plenty of screaming, crying, pitching a fit moments, followed by some serious laughter!!! Here's how I figure it, if I can keep laughing through this whole journey, I'm gonna be just fine.  (Obviously along with the prayers and support and trusting God...) In my family, we ALWAYS try to figure out some positive out of crummy situations... Ummmm... I'm still trying to figure that out, but I'm sure I'll figure something out soon enough!!!
   Here's how things are going to work... I go tomorrow for my bone scan and my CT to see if it's spread anywhere else in my body. (btw, I got the patho results back and "lumpie" is positive for cancer, but the lymph node is not YAHOO FOR THAT!!!!) Then, I go for another scan on Saturday.  I meet with my surgeon on Thursday to kinda get a game plan together, then meet with my oncologist to see what he wants to do.  My surgeon says that I will need chemo (I'm so over that already it's not even funny!), then surgery, then radiation.  Not 100% sure on this action plan yet, but this is what I've been told so far.  As I find out more, I'll post it!! 
   I'm just trying to take it one day at a time... It's only been 7 days!! I've been faced with so much already, but I've also been given some good anti anxiety meds... lol  And yes, I will be starting my anti depressants today!!! Nothing wrong with a little chemical help!!
   On a very serious note, I need you all to know how greatful I am that each of you are a part of my life.  I'm certain that God has placed each one of you in my life path along the way for a reason... and this is your reason... You were all given to me by God so that you could help me every single day to get through this fight.  There is NO DOUBT in my mind that when God introduced each one of us, it was for THIS PURPOSE ALONE!  You and I didn't know it at the time, but I certainly know it now.  He has hand picked each and every one of you to be my support, my prayer warrior, my friend, my shoulder, my comfort, my peace, my steady, my laughter and my love. I want you ALL to know, before this journey even starts, how thankful I am for everything that you're going to do for me.  I can never re pay any of you for just the support alone, but I can tell you this... I promise to make it my priority to pay this forward as much as I possibly can.  I will constantly be on my knees praying for each of you as long as I live.  You will NEVER EVER EVER be forgotten and you all will ALWAYS AND FOREVER hold the highest place in my heart!  God says, ask and you shall recieve... Well, my blessings are coming in an abundance right now.  God has filled my heart with so much joy and love that I'm just not even sure what to do with it all! 
  Ok, I've exhausted my emotional bank for the day... I'll be blogging as much as possible!!! Please don't stop the prayers!!! It's amazing to know that SO many people have been praying for me!! It's one of the coolest feelings in the world!!!  Much love to all of you and thank you again...
BIG HUGS!!!!