My first mommy decision

Ok, so here's the deal... For those of you who know me, you know that my ultimate life goal is to just have babies. The babies that everyone says, "OMG look at that adorable chubby cheeked kid, I just wanna eat em up!!!"  So after I found out that I was diagnosed with the "c word", I immediately got a call from my surgeon.  He said, "I have a couch and a box of tissues with your name on it, so turn your car around and come talk to me." I sat in his office for a good hour and he basically laid it all out to me, since I'm a black and white kinda girl.  He mentioned that I may have a higher risk of having ovairan cancer at some point in my life, which returned to me as, "Dana you may not have kids".  I know, I know, it's further down the line, but all I heard him say was, "ovarian c word" and that I would need chemo before surgery.  I'm fairly certain I didn't hear anything after that because I was so worried that I was not going to be able to have babies!! I called my mom on the way home and cried my little rear end off.  I was just sooooo extremely upset!! When I got home, mom said, "ok, I've fixed the problem.  We can just freeze some eggies!!" Yay, problem solved!!  NOT SO MUCH! I thought maybe I had some time to think about it or plan for it, but apparently I did not.  The following Monday, I met with the Oncologist RN and she gave me this huge bag of books and planners and organizers that had the "c word" spread all over them.  (Yes, I was more than a little wigged out at this point!!) So, I came home and dumped the sack out all over the floor.  I was beyond overwhelmed because I thought I had a good grip on being oraganized and sorta had all my little ducks in a row.  I opened the first book and it read, "Chemotherapy can cause infertility". Weeellllll, I closed that little book right up, shoved it right back in that bag, along with every other thing that poured out of that sack and went on about my night. (Yes, it was an aggressive shove to get all those books back in that bag!!!)  There was NO WAY I could sit there and read about all of this stuff and not let it get the best of me.  So, for the rest of the night I just did my usual praying and didn't even think about the whole baby situation.  And let me say this, dealing with this "c word" has brought so many fast, harsh decisions into my life that it's ridiculous.  I feel like I'm in a huge dodge ball game, just trying to duck from all those big red balls!! Ok, so I went to bed and never gave the baby thing another thought.  Tuesday morning, when I was putting my tennis shoes on for work, God just gave me the most amazing peace I've ever felt in my whole entire life.  I'm certain He said, "Ok Dana, if you're going to trust me, you're going to have to trust me fully and just know that at some point in your life, I will give you some sweet, sweet babies that will fill your heart with so much joy, you'll forget that this little "c word" ever happened!"  Ok, I'm down with that!!! :)  I didn't share that story with my mom that morning because I was running late to work, as usual!! Later on that afternoon, while I was at work, mom called and said, "Ok, I have been talking to the infertility doctor and he said he is in the Medical Center today, but that he would stop his clinic and meet you in the Woodlands because TODAY is the day that you have to start your shots to be able to complete the procedure of freezing your eggies." My face got red, my heart beat fast and I was all flushed because just that morning I had SUCH a peace about the baby thing.  Mom said, "Ok, I'm gonna hang up this phone, take 20 minutes and think about it and call me back."  It was a now or never situation basically.  I thought, ok God, seriously, you JUST gave me such a peace not even 6 hours ago and now you're giving me this decision.  I'm thinking He was just trying to test my faith at this point. So, I take a little time and I think about it.  Just the day prior to this, I had taken the genetic test to see if I was a carrier of the "c word" gene and the results would not be back for two whole weeks.  If I am a carrier, it means that I could easily pass this gene on to my babies, right?  After I hung up the phone all I could think about were my little eggies sitting in a dish and me waiting to find out if I could pass the gene on to them.  I know that the eggies aren't fertilized yet, but the thought that I may have sick babies sitting in that dish was just entirely too overwhelming for me.  I couldn't bear the fact that if I got the results back and found out that I was a carrier that I would just throw those sweet eggs away just because they "might be sick too." So, I trusted God.  I made the hardest decision that I've ever had to make in my entire life.  I chose not to have my eggies frozen. Here's the AWESOME part of this decision... it wasn't a decision I had to ponder on for very long, it wasn't a decision I had to pray about, it wasn't a decision I had to weigh out the odds on... it was a decision that came SO INCREDIBLY clear to me before I even began my morning!  I called my mom back in 5 minutes and very happily said, "I will not be freezing the eggies and you can tell that kind doctor that was going to stop his clinic for me that God is gonna give me some babies some day!!"  I hung up that phone and for a split second I was overjoyed at such an incredible decision that I had just made for my babies! It felt SO good to have my first mommy moment!  I don't know that all of you will get my decision, but it doesn't really matter.  All that matters here is that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will get those cute little chubby cheeked babies that EVERYONE wants to squeeze someday!!
   Ok, lets fast foward a few days.....  All of the previous story took place at the point when chemo was going to be first and the surgery was going to be second.  It was a time sensitive situation and I only had TWENTY MINUTES to make a life long decision.  If I started the chemo first, I was at a much higher chance of being infertile due to the treatment.  Soooooo... HAPPY DAY... I have recently learned that having the surgery first is a HUGE possibility!!  WHICH ONLY MEANS ONE THING........  I will have the results back from the genetic test and I will absolutely have the option to freeze some eggs!  (I am currently doing the happy dance as I type this!!!) If I find out that I am not a genetic carrier then you'd better believe that I will be doing some eggie freezing because I'm sooooo certain that I need a sweet baby girl that's gonna love me just like I love my momma!!! *and yes, I said girl* lol
   I feel like God has placed an incredibly tough situation in front of me and that because I chose to fully trust Him that now He may be giving me a second chance to really fulfill my ultimate goal!!! I can not even describe to you the peace that I have about this.  I was laughing because mom and I were in the car together when we realized that I really may be able to freeze some eggs and it not be a stressful situation.  Both of us burst out with laughter and the biggest tears because we were SO very excited that this opportunity might just happen!!!
   God has just been so amazing to me and my family!! I know this situation is rough, but honestly I couldn't ask for anything better.  My CT scan and my bone scan came out negative and I just heard from my surgeon today that my results from my breast MRI that was taken on Saturday came out negative as well.  So, the fact that it's not spread in my boobies, other than the spot we already know about, is absolutely incredible!!!  I feel like God has just blessed me with the best of the best of the best!!!! I just have such a calm and a peace about this whole process.  I'm not nervous, I'm not anxious, I'm not any of those things (for now!!). I'm a little wigged out because there is something abnormal gorwing, but I just feel so ok with everything!!

KEEP THOSE PRAYERS COMING!!!  They certainly are working!!!!! and if you see me, you need to give me a hug because those make me feel better!! :)
Much love to you all!!!!!! :)