The dreadful first dr's visit

My surgeon has made me promise him to stay off the internet and google so that my already overwhelmed brain doesn't get filled with obnoxious, worrysome, incorrect information! I've done just that!! I've been given some books on the "c word" from the Oncology RN, but haven't dove into them yet.  I can only handle so much at once, then my brain just quits and shuts off. 
   Yesterday, I met with my surgeon for my first "real visit".  OMG I was a nervous wreck.  I think having my first for-real appointment just kinda makde things "real".  I was sitting in a meeting at work, watching the time and trying really hard to catch my breath.  I'm pretty sure I didn't hear anything that was being said during that meeting... Maybe someone will catch me up to speed later? lol  Mom met me at the surgeon's office and in we went.  He has this room that's especially set up for breast cancer patients.  It's pretty, but boy I didn't like having to be in the "special room".  I told mom that I just wanted to be a normal patient and have the normal room instead of the "fluffy room". haha    

   I've not talked much about the type of "c word" I have, so let me explain.  It's called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  Basically what's going on is there is a cancer that's growing in my milk duct. The surgeon describes it as "the place where the milk comes to feed the baby", which makes me giggle every time he says it. Anyways, there are two types of ductal cancer, one where the cancer basically stays contained inside the walls of the milk duct and the other where the cancer has spread outside the walls of the milk duct.  Well, mine is the kind that has spread outside of the milk duct walls.  When I describe it to people, I tell them that it looks like a squished skittle, jagged on the edges and anything but round in shape.  There are little receptors that are on the outside of "lumpie".  These receptors are basically like the feeding tubes for the cancer.  The receptors are progestorone, estrogen and something called HER 2.  The way the cancer grows is either by the progestorone, estrogen or the HER 2.  Apparently I have too much of all three of these things and this is what's made my little lumpie grow.  I tested positive for all three of these,which makes me triple positive.  From what I've been told, having a triple negative, meaning if I were negative for all three, that would be a bad, bad situation.  I think the most perfect situation would be that I were positive for the estrogen and the progestorone and negative for the HER 2, unfortunately that's not the case here.  I'm just going to be thankful in this situation that I wasn't triple negative and move on.  :)  Ok, so the HER 2... From what I can gather, HER 2 is kinda like an instigator for cancer.  I think it's like the "bad girl" of the group and tries to stir up the other cells and make them become bad.  Nothing like having a "party girl" in your body trying to convince all the other "good girl" cells to come to the dark side and be bad too! Shame, Shame, Shame!!! I will have to take my first round of chemo, but then I will have to take another type of chemo for a full year.  This certain type of chemo will basically be for 45 minutes every three weeks.  This chemo is specifically targeted to the HER 2 cells to kill them off!! YAY no more party girls!!! Again, I haven't looked any of this up, so I'm just going by what I was told in the office yesterday.  Things could easily change!!! I still have to meet with my oncologist, whom I've been told likes to call himself the onCOOLigist (lol), to see where we sit with the chemo stuff. I meet with him on Monday, so I should know more by then. 
   Alright, so the surgeon makes me get up on this fluffy examination table that comes equipped with for real sheets and pretty pillows. He asks me to raise my right arm, to which I absolutely DO NOT want to do.  I wore deodorant that day, like I do every other day, but after all the sweating I had done prior to this visit, I was certain he would pass out after I lifed that arm.  All I kept thinking in the back of my head was, "omg please don't smell bad little arm pit because I don't want the surgeon to pass out!!!". (He managed to stay verticle through the whole examination! I'm guessing he is really good at the whole "mouth breathing" thing that all of us in the medical field are trained to do when sketchy smells are around?!?! lol)  He examined all over then he asked to see lumpie.  I showed him where it was and he said, "Well Dana, I'm very proud of you for finding this."  Well, ok?? lol  He said that if he had to put a time on it, he would guess that lumpie had been there for at least two years, possibly three.  My heart sank! This dang piece of crap has been harboring in my body for that long?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well listen up, lumpie, you have worn out your welcome and it's time for you to move on.  You don't hafta go home, but you sure as heck gotta get up outta my boobie! This is random, but I secretly want to see pictures of lumpie after doc takes her out! Maybe he will take "professional doctor" pictures while I'm in the OR because I'm soooo very curious to know exactly what it looks like in real life.  I can feel it and I know what it feels like, but I want to SEE it. Speaking of feeling it... ok this is kinda funny, but everyone that knows me knows that I'm such an open person.  The girls at work haven't been shy about asking to feel lumpie, to which I oblige.  Here's how I figure it, if I can let them feel exactly what it feels like, then maybe I can help them to know kinda what they are looking for when they feel their own little lumpies.  My lumpie is about the size of an acorn, it's very hard and has some sharp edges.  And btw, my boobies haven't ever had this much action!!! lol lol lol
  So, doc and mom and I all talked for about an hour in the fluffy room.  There were so many different questions to ask and so much information to process.  It was just overwhelming.  At one point, I remember giving mom "the look", you know, the one where your eyes say, "I can't understand a word he is saying and he sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher, I really hope you're getting this!!"  Well, she got it all!! :)  I still don't have a surgery date, but I do know that I will be doing a double mastectomy. WHEW! Here's the deal, I'm a worrier and a thinker and I don't want to have to wake up every single day of my life, wondering if the "c word" is back.  I also don't want to have to cry every time I go get a mammogram, wondering if I'm going to get bad results back. I had to really outweigh my good and bad here.  My first thought, after I found out my diagnosis, was "cut them off!!!!".  I've not waivered from that, but I still can't help but think, as a woman, I'm losing a HUGE part of what makes me a girl.  Yes, I will get new ones, probably way better than the ones that I already have, but it still takes a little piece away from you knowing that your boobies are being taken away from you.  I don't know if other women deal with this issue, but I would assume it would be pretty common.  May need some therapy for that?? lol
   I was pretty sad yesterday, but today is a new day and it's been MUCH better!!! I feel like writing this blog is helping me to just spill it all and get it out of my system.  I'm not going to say that I'm sporting the "happy Dana" today, but I'm MUCH better than yesterday!  I think that it's probably extremely normal to have highs and lows during this whole process, so I'm gonna give myself that much.  I think that it's ok to be a little depressed about the situation as long as you put your big girl panties on and deal with it head on!  Each day, after depressing news, gets easier and easier. (At least that's how it is for now... lol)  I just keep praying for strength and happiness every day!! So far, so good!!!
   Ok, I think I'm going to call it a night! Please, please, please continue the prayers because THEY ARE WORKING!!! :)  Big hugs to you all!!!

...and incase you were wondering, NO, I did not get a lollipop after my visit.  I'm gonna hafta talk to him about that...