Well, as you know, I've been given the opportunity to freeze the eggies!! A few weeks ago, I met with the eggie dr to discuss operation egg removal. All was a-go until I realized that my lady cycle wasn't going to start on time and I was basically going to be stuck, right in the middle of surgery time, needing my eggies to be removed. This whole process is going to take a few weeks and I didn't want to be miserable, just having surgery and having all these drains and such, needing to go and have the egg removal procedure done. I was so overwhelmed and just didn't have the energy it took to call the dr and explain, again, that this was going to cause a problem. Mom kindly offered to call for me and get everything straightened out! The egg man called me and stated that he had talked to the oncologist and that they were just going to push back the chemo start date to ensure that I had enough time, post surgery, to start my cycle and get the eggs out. I was sortof in a panic because I wasn't sure how I was going to feel after surgery and would I be up for going every other day to the dr, having ultrasounds and having my labs drawn? I desperately want to freeze my eggs, but at what cost? I was afraid that if I waited until after surgery to remove the eggs, would that put me at a higher risk of my body being exhausted, would I go into chemo less than 100%, would that make a difference starting chemo later rather than sooner? I was soooo confused. The egg dr also stated that he would talk to my surgeon and see if we could push the surgery date back. Well, in my mind, I'm thinking, "wait, no, I wanna get lumpie outta there asap!! I don't wanna wait!! What if it spreads during the wait time? What if...What if...What if...". There were just soooo many options and negatives running through my mind!! I was absolutely in a complete panic over this whole situation and didn't know what to do. I explained to all my physicians that if it got down to me or the eggs, I was going to choose me. I really wanted to SAFELY do everything I could to get the eggs out, but I didn't want to risk my health in the mean time. At that point, I realized that freezing the eggs may have to just be forgotten, simply due to my health. I wanted to do what was right, I wanted to stay safe, but at the same time, I really, really, really, really wanted to get these eggs!!! That night, after going over and over and over and over all of my options and different sineros, I couldn't help but cry my little heart out. I pretty much cried myself to sleep that night and all I kept praying was, "God, please just make this simple. You have given me this opportunity and I'm stressing terrbily over how this is going to work out. I just need You to take control and make it happen." The tears just wouldn't stop. I tried so hard to just trust and believe that it was all going to just work out, but I never obtained a peace about it. I absolutely started to feel sorry for myself, I would cry because I'm never going to be able to breast feed, I cried because I'm, more than likely, never going to be able to have a baby in my tummy (unless I decide at 40 that I'm ok being preggers), I cried because my life plan, the one that I had never ever waivered from, was just being destroyed right in front of my face. I cried because I had never felt this aching pain before and because I was just basically losing control of my life. I am SUCH a planner and a thinker and now that the c word is present in my life, it makes it incredibly hard to make long term plans. I don't cope well with change and it's affecting me in ways I never knew were possible. I know that plans are made to be broken and things change along life's pathway, but my ultimate goal of getting married and having babies (without medical conditions) has just been smashed into a million pieces. I finally cried myself to sleep that night, only to wake up the next morning worse off than I was the night before. Oh my gracious at the tears that came the next morning, along with a total out of body experience!! I have never in my life cried and squirmed and screamed and ached like I did that morning. It's one thing to mess with me, but when you mess with those unborn babies of mine, watch out!!! To me, not being able to get these eggs out were like fighting words! My mom crawled right up in that bed with me and held me and let me cry and scream and shake and gasp for breaths and whimper for at least 30 minutes. She sweetly kept whispering to me that I was going to be an incredible mother, simply for the fact that I was crying out of hurt for some crazy eggs that hadn't even been removed from my body yet. She said, "Dana, I think you know, at this moment, what every mother feels for their children. I think you've got that feeling of love and pain that all mothers feel about their children when they're trying to protect and love them." It wasn't until that very moment that I realized what my own mother must be feeling. If I was crying over my own eggs that hadn't even been brought into this world yet, I can't even imagine how she must be feeling, watching her little girl hurt so very badly. Well, THAT made me cry even harder!!! Man, what a whirlwind this whole c word has brought on. It's made emotions fly extremely high, but at the same time, it's brought us so much closer as a family.
I FINALLY stopped the out of control crying, got up and started getting dressed for work. I knew the day was basically going to be crappy, so I started thinking, "ok how can I fix this? How can I move forward with all of these emotions? How can I turn this into something positive?" So, as soon as I got to work, I called my surgeon. Good ole' surgeon is a great man and he will know just how to help me fix this problem, even if it means the worst, he will know how to help me. I called his office and the poor, poor girl that answered the phone... I sounded like a blubbering idiot, I'm sure!! She said, "Dana, I can't really even understand you, but whatever it is, it's going to be ok. The surgeon is in the OR right now, but I'll have him call you as soon as he is done." My tears subsided for a quick moment and I asked her if she deals with basket cases, such as myself, on a daily basis, to which her reply was no. I said, "Oh ok, so I'm the only basket case?" haha She said, "No Dana, what I meant was, no, you're not a basket case and don't feel bad because it's ok to cry and it's ok to be upste and nervous." She is such a sweet, sweet girl! Very confident in helping crazy loones, such as myself, calm down and feel at ease. Maybe they gave her special training to work at his office and deal with nutty women like me?? haha About an hour later, the phone rang and I knew it was the surgeon. I answered, but all that would come out were tears...AGAIN! Enough with the crying already, Dana!!! haha The first words out of my mouth were, "Can you please not be my doctor for a moment, can you please not be my friend for a moment and can you please just be my dad for five minutes and help me make a decision?" He said, "Dana, I will help you do whatever it is that you need and yes, I'll be your dad for five minutes!" Love that man to pieces!!! I told him my situation with operation egg removal and he said, "Ok, let me fix all of this for you!!" Well, yahoo, ten minutes later and the problem was fixed!!! I felt such a burden lifted off of me. I felt happy again and I felt like I could move forward, in every respect. I took a deep breath and before I got off that phone, I said, "ok dr, I'm really sorry for bugging you today because I know that today is your surgery day, but thank you for taking the time out to sit with me and help me make a decision." You know what his reply was??? "Dana, I don't care what time of the day or night it is, I will always make time for you. That's what I'm here for, to help you." Such a sweet, sweet soul. I promised not to cry any more because he had pretty much just made my day!!!
Bottom line here, operation egg removal is back on track!!! As a matter of fact, the lady cycle has officially started, I start taking my oral meds tomorrow night and start taking my shots on Monday night!! I will go in for my first ultrasound on Monday!! Sooooo excited!!!!!
So...
Dear little eggies,
This is your mommy talking. I know that you don't have a clue what's going on here, but I just want you to know that I will do everything in my power to keep you healthy and safe until it's time for you to be used. I will pray for you daily and I will love you more than I have ever loved anything before. I want you to know that, eventhough you're not "watered" yet, you're still so incredibly important to me. God has specifially already chosen each one of you to hang out in that frozen dish until He decides which one of you He is going to give to me. I absolutely CAN NOT wait to meet you and give you all of my love!!! Until then, know that you already own a huge part of my heart and that you already give me so much joy!! P.S., I promise to pick someone really great to "water" you!!! :)
So, now that I've had my meltdown moment, I feel sooooo much better. Maybe I just needed a good, hard cry anyways?? Maybe I just needed to have a break down so I could let it all out? Maybe I just needed to have a 32 year old, OMG moment!!! lol Either way, it felt good to just be extremely emotional for a bit and just cry. It also felt INCREDIBLE to have such serious support during those two days. It also felt good to feel the love from my mom and sister... These two, I'm telling you, are the BEST TWO EVER!!!! They are sticking it out like no other! Sissy gave me the biggest hug before I went to work that morning and just let me cry. After it was all said and done, she asked if she could give me a "good game" smack on my rear end, to which I openly accepted. It made us both laugh, which is what we needed!!
By the way, it's SOOOOO weird knowing that I'm brewing some eggs in my lady parts so that, someday, I can hopefully have that chubby cheeked baby!!! I told my mom and sister, just wait, the day that my child starts to get on my nerves or drive me nuts (as all children do to their parents), my outraged remark will be, "Listen up kid, if you don't go clean your room like I've asked you to 27 times now, I will put you back in that freezer where you came from!!!!!!!!!!!!!" haha
